“Our conclusion is that, on the evidence available at this time, there was no conspiracy to murder any of the occupants of the car,” Lord Stevens of Kirkwhelpington, who led the inquiry, told reporters as he presented his findings here. “This was a tragic accident.”- The New York Times, Dec 14th
As a general rule, I never make fun of people's names, but Kirkwhelpington?? Kirkwhelpington?!! And I used to think Wodehouse was joking. A tragic accident indeed.
You have to feel kind of sorry for Lord Stevens. Not only does he get saddled with a name like that, he also gets the unenviable task of spending $ 7.3 million and the 832 pages  of his report stating the obvious. How Lord Stevens must have salivated at the prospect of actually finding something through his investigations. How he must have dreamed of unearthing some dread conspiracy, and going down in history as the man who brought down the monarchy, the man who took on MI 6, a sort of new age Thomas More, soon to be immortalised in the Oliver Stone production of A Man for the Four Seasons. Instead, he's going to have to go down in history as "another one of those Kirkwhelpingtons". Not a happy thought.
I still remember when Diana died. The media, as expected, outdid itself in foolishness; Elton John managed to resurrect his deservedly failing career by ripping off his own work, thus proving himself either the no-talent phony one has always suspected him of being, or a subversive master of comic irony; and my local barbershop renamed itself the "Lady Diena Hair Cutting Saloon" in a somewhat misguided attempt to cash in on largely non-existent popular sentiment.
Ah, the good old days.
 I have to admit I'm curious to know what the 832 pages consist of. How do you describe a terrible plot that never happened? Do you just rehash all the old Agatha Christie stories and then deny them? Pg. 641: "Diana could have been poisoned in her hotel room and a crash test dummy put in the car in her place, her body, suitably mangled, being swapped for that of the dummy's in the ambulance carrying her from the accident site. We are glad to report, however, that this never happened."