Monday, December 12, 2005

Ash Nazg

A friend of mine got proposed to this weekend - the whole works - complete with churches, poetry, rings, knee guards, movie extras standing by to hear what she would say, etc. (she accepted, of course; congratulations, S! this one's for you).

She was blissfully happy about it [1] all weekend, didn't have a second of doubt. Then she got to work this morning and was set upon by the cooing aunty brigade, who surrounded her with the glee of sacrificial priests contemplating their next victim, and proceeded to drown her in a sea of inanities and giggles. Twelve hours of doing the yes, it was beautiful, yes, he's a wonderful man, no, it's not a big deal, no, it doesn't mean anything, yes, we have told my parents, no, haven't set a date, no, no, he's not my fiance, he's my boyfriend, I mean, yes, he is my fiance, but no, he's not, etc. and she was beginning to wonder what she'd gotten herself into.

While I sympathise with her plight, I think the trouble is that she's going at this all wrong. If you plan to be engaged and go around wearing a ring but don't want people to make a big deal out of it or spend hours coyly teasing you about it, you've got to be more CREATIVE than simply telling them the truth (whoever said honesty is the best policy could only have been an insurance salesman; in my experience the truth is usually the least effective solution to anything, a clumsy tool to be used only when everything else fails).

So here are the 10 Best Ways to Make People Stop Badgering You about Your Engagement:

1. Tell people it's not really an engagement ring, you just use it to keep your afternoon dose of cocaine in. (Tell them you could arrange some for them if they're interested).

2. Find the grand-aunty of them all - you know - the one who acts all maternal and caring but is actually the worst gossip and take her aside and break down into tears and 'confess' how there's no fiance and you just bought the ring yourself because you couldn't stand being the only person who has no one. Make her promise not to tell anyone. Next day, watch as people make an effort NOT to notice the ring on your finger.

3. When people ask about the ring, tell them it was his grandmother's. Describe in gushing detail how he chopped the old cow's hand off, took the ring off it, knelt down, put the ring on your finger and quoted Shakespeare to you, while all the while the old woman lay twitching in a pool of her own blood. Emphasise how romantic it was. Don't forget to mention the moonlight.

4. Say "I know, isn't it wonderful. And he bought me this just for kissing him. Just think about what I could get out of him after we have sex."

5. Say "Ya, you know, he has this thing for rings. Personally, I would have preferred handcuffs. So much more useful. So much more apt. But you can't expect a man to think of these things, can you?"

6. Spend long hours in the ladies room talking to your ring, always referring to it as 'my precious'. If anyone tries looking at it, snarl at them.

7. Say "Oh, so that's what it is! I was wondering what the man was mumbling about. It's so hard to hear him when he goes down on his knees like that."

8. Use the Sarah Silverman approach. Tell people how the stone is a very rare gem that's found only at the base of the spine of Ethiopian 6 month olds. Like diamonds, only with that wonderful baby smell.

9. Say, "You like it? Here, take it, it's yours. No, really, I want you to have it. I've got plenty back at home."

10. Use it as a ventroliquist ring. Have long conversations with it where you tell it how much you love it, and it tells you how crazy it is about you.

[1] Aren't people in love simply intolerable?!


Heh Heh said...

Abt that footnote: I agree. Especially soon-to-be-married couples, and their prattling and cooing about how *wonderful* their wedding is going to be as if they are the only people in the whole wide world to have ever had the brilliant idea of having a wedding. And their talk of dresses and diamonds and other such idiotic things.. when the truth of the matter is if at all any people attend the wedding, its because:
a. they don't want to piss them off because of the whole future utility thing.
b. they like free food.

Falstaff said...

heh heh: I disagree. I think you're being too cynical about this, and seriously underestimate the unintentional amusement that weddings can provide to bystanders, especially bystanders who know the happy couple in 'real life'. It's the sadistic joy of seeing someone being beset by random aunty-jis and having to be polite to them and knowing exactly how pained they are and how much they must be seething inside and then going up to them on their little stage and laughing in their faces and knowing that there's no way in hell they can get up and punch you in the face, no matter how much they may want to.

One of my happiest memories from other people's weddings is the look on a certain mutual acquaintances face when I informed him at the end of the ceremony that because of the transparency of the dhoti he was wearing, every single person at the wedding now knew that he was partial to Y-front Jockeys. Moments like that no amount of Mastercards can get you.

Anonymous said...

Thanks doll:)
Think should use some of these the next time i'm set upon by perenially pregnant pesky types in the ladies loo[ this morning, I told one of them I kept my cyanide stash there in case my cover gets blown- the damn woman kept making doe eyes and then said "must have come in a very pretty cover, no?" argh!!!!]
My latest grouse is people who react by saying "Well done"- like, I didn't just win a marathon, ok?
Can we start a movement to ban auntyjis and office gossips( yes, the men are just as bad)?

AquaM said...

truth is usually the least effective solution to anything, a clumsy tool to be used only when everything else fails)....YUPPPO! food is certainly a good guess.

My cousin who particularly hates this another relation of hers attended his wedding. Theoritically, it was just catching up with family n friends, but what she meant was "I am gonna freak out in the Foodie dept".


Accidental Fame Junkie said...

" my experience the truth is usually the least effective solution to anything, a clumsy tool to be used only when everything else fails)."

I knowwww! Why is it that most people don't see it that way?

Falstaff said...

ring-bearer: "Can we start a movement to ban auntyjis and office gossips" I did. The only trouble was, no one else in office ever found out. Sigh.
As for coming in a pretty cover - which one? the ring or the boyfriend, excuse me, fiance? ;-).

Mrudula said...

These people I avoid like the plague:

Newly engaged.
Newly married.
Newly delivered of a baby.

Neela said...

my advice to s: just don't wear the damn ring!! sell it off and use the proceeds to buy books, CDs, clothes and perfume. let me know how much you get for it - i have a ton of jewelry that am dying to sell. also if someone knows where to get nice paste copies from, let me know.

Mrudula: au contraire, I love new parents. They always look so miserable and so defeated and so utterly totally stressed that its marvellous to make them even more miserable by chatting brightly about how you had a wonderful weekend of concerts, movies, books and dinners. All this wearing your nicest clothes of course and showing off your new haircut.


Falstaff said...

Neela: I'm not sure that works. a) you're assuming that you're meeting the new parents sans baby - if the little bumble is around you're pretty much not going to be able to make yourself heard over it's wailing; b) there's a sample selection problem here - if these people really cared about concerts and books and haircuts they wouldn't be new parents - the fact that they are means that they didn't have a life to start with - so it's unlikely that they're going to care; they'll probably go away with the impression that you're using all these clothes and haircuts to fill the yawning emptiness of your childless existence.

Beth Loves Bollywood said...

Hi - I found your blog through AFJ, I think, and I have just got to tell you how much I like your list of things to say about engagement rings. I hate, hate, hate being made to feel like I'm supposed to squeal for someone's ring. The whole thing makes me ill - not marriages, but certainly most weddings and most of the accourtrements that go wtih them, especially big ol' symbols of patriarchy and ownership. Yuk! But I loved your list so much I have shared it with like-minded friends, who loved it too.

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