Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Such a long journey

Continental Flight 82 from Newark to New Delhi. Thirteen straight hours wedged in a window seat doing my imitation of a sardine. Elderly couple on the seats next to me (henceforth referred to as Auntyji and Uncleji), clearly flying back to India from the US for the first time ever. Falstaff being his considerate, helpful self. Unending drama.

Crisis 1: As the plane pushes back from the gate and begins to taxi towards the runway, Falstaff, being inexperienced in these matters, commits the terrible blunder of starting to read a book (a set of Cheever's short stories). Immediate gasp of shock from his co-passengers. Doesn't he realise that with his book raised up like that Uncleji can't actually SEE the runway?! How does he expect the plane to take off if Uncleji's visibility is impaired? How dare he put the safety of the entire plane in jeopardy this way?

Falstaff meekly lowers hands and continues to read with book held at arm's length. Only now Uncleji's pointing arm is in the way. Uncleji apparently feels that unless he carefully points out all the relevant sights to Auntyji, she might miss some of them (after all, there's so much to see out of an aircraft porthole). The fact that in the process of doing this Uncleji narrowly misses taking Falstaff's nose off does not apparently concern Uncleji.

Crisis 2: The first on-screen announcements begin. The message flashing on the blue screen reads: "We hope you had a pleasant flight. Thank you for flying with us. We appreciate your business" and "Please ensure that all relevant paperwork is completed before disembarking from the plane". All this before our flight has taken off.

Uncleji has noticed this. He excitedly points this out to all those sitting around him, but the rest of us just shrug, figuring someone goofed up and it'll be corrected soon enough. Uncleji, however, belongs to a generation that is much less apathetic about matters of national importance, and feels duty bound to jump up from his seat (disregarding the fasten seat-belts sign, but what's a little risk when such weighty matters are at hand) and go find a harried flight attendant who he can explain this to. Eventually (some ten minutes later), the announcements get corrected. Uncleji beams with a hero's pride.

Crisis 3: Auntyji and Uncleji have ordered special vegetarian meals. Said meals contain rice (check), pickle (check) but (horror of horrors!!) no CURD!! This is unacceptable. Even westernised barbarians like Falstaff, who are eating Chicken Cacciatore, get curd. (And pickle. Because there's nothing like a little imli flavouring to spice up your pasta sauce). Uncle-ji indignantly tries to catch flight attendant's eye. Flight attendant, like all good waitstaff, has eyes carefully trained to remain uncaught. Eventually, growing desperate, Auntyji (who has clearly spent her two months in the US assidiously watching NFL) comes through with a flying tackle, stopping the fleeing steward in his tracks.

The news of the Great Curd Treason does not faze the steward, however. He points out that Auntyji and Uncleji had asked for a vegetarian meal and curd, being a dairy product, is non-vegetarian (where Continental came up with this particular brainwave is beyond me). That's why they've been given grapes instead.

Brief moment of silence while Uncleji's Tam Brahm brain struggles to cope with idea of grapes being a substitute for curd. Sound of bearings squealing, then giving way in protest. "But we want curd", Uncleji says, with the kind of dogged consistency one hopes for from the Indian Cricket Team. Eventually curd is provided. Once again the good citizens of Gotham can sleep in peace.

Crisis 4: Meal over, Auntyji and Uncleji decide they're in the mood for some in-flight entertainment. A fifteen minute struggle ensues, in which Uncleji unhooks his wife's seat belt, switches all available reading lights on and off, reclines and brings forward his seat 273 times, narrowly escapes making long-distance calls to Swaziland and almost succeeds in connecting his headphones to the rivets holding his seat together, but is still no closer to actually switching his entertainment system on. At this point Falstaff's earlier hooliganism (see Crisis 1) is forgiven and his help is enlisted. Falstaff proceeds to give careful instructions, helping Uncleji to get to point where he's happily watching Video Channel 2. Uncleji then proceeds to 'help' Auntyji with her system. The fact that Auntyji seems to have managed to get the system to work by herself and is happily immersed in some inane Karishma Kapoor film (I know, I know - the adjective is redundant) makes no difference. She's a woman, therefore it's his duty to guide her.

Two minutes later Auntyji's interactive screen menu has been 'permanently' set to Japanese, a language that Auntyji, sadly, does not understand. She'll have to do without entertainment for the rest of the flight. Just her bad luck. Auntyji takes this philosophically. Uncleji however, decides that it's best not to tempt fate by actually attempting to change channels on his screen, with the result that he proceeds to spend the remaining 11 odd hours of the flight watching endless repeats of Big Momma's House 2 (clearly the folks at Continental have not read this).

Crisis 5: It's time to fill out disembarkation cards. In the process of doing this, Uncleji discovers that they have only two luggage tags, though they'd checked in three bags. Panic. Falstaff (whose skill with entertainment systems has entirely redeemed him) is consulted, and is forced to admit that yes, there are only two tags when there should be three (the math to prove this is hard, but nothing that some elementary matrix differentiation can't solve). An irate Uncleji proceeds to call the steward. Recriminations fly. Auntyji is almost in tears and is being consoled by other Auntji's for her grevious loss. Uncleji is growing angrier and angrier. Other members of the crew have come over to see what the trouble is. People at the back of the plane are beginning to wonder if we're being hijacked. A few of them are already trying to work out the best way to storm the cockpit.

At this point, one of the crew members points out that the tags in question are from April and are marked New Delhi to Newark. They are thus obviously the tags from the time that Auntyji and Uncleji flew to the US. The tags for this flight must be somewhere else. Auntyji proceeds to search desperately through her purse. Sure enough, three other tags emerge. It's 8:00 pm in Delhi, 10:30 am in Newark, we're 6th in the queue waiting to land, and all's well with the world again.

P.S. Yes, I'm back in Delhi for six weeks. Hence the gap since the last post.

65 comments:

The Man Who Wasnt There said...

ha ha....welcome back Falstaff...:)
your itinerary this time wouldnt include a visit to Bangalore does it?

Chronicus Skepticus said...

Oh Bless you, Falstaff! We'd just been having the most *miserably* boring day ever!

You're good at funny, we like.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Careful dude, you might just go the Greatbong way! ;-)
BTW, hope you don't mind that i've linked to this post, and quoted (extensively) from it!
Do blog about Delhi. It's been 3 long years since i left the place.

30in2005 said...

Does every desi have a plane story?! Mine was not better by much although thankfully much shorter: http://30in2005.blogspot.com/2006/04/delhirium.html

Have a lovely holiday....

30in2005 said...

sorry the link I meant to leave was this: http://30in2005.blogspot.com/2006/04/lets-go-fly-kite-up-to-highest-height.html

Not that while holidaying you shall have any time to go and read some random bloggers experiences of being on a plane toward home!

Tabula Rasa said...

ah nostalgia. i had a priceless uncleji-auntyji moment once, flying from india to the us. the flight took off in the middle of the night, and a meal was eventually served. uncleji, consulted on beverage preference first, went conservative and asked for orange juice. auntyji followed suit. i the starving grad student went for a jack and coke, and caught uncleji looking at me -- surreptitiously and wide-eyed at the same time. he muttered something to auntyji. my hyperactive imagination lipread the words "drahm-bhrasht". the sinner in me quaffed away nonchalantly. but little did i know how wrong i was. uncleji had a double scotch at breakfast.

km said...

almost succeeds in connecting his headphones to the rivets

Should I? Nooo...too obvious.

What the hell.

Continental does promise riveting onflight entertainment.

maverick said...

Hahaha...a good start to the day! :) thanks.

csm said...

fal - bombay on agenda?
do make some time for us merelings :-)
6 weeks at home can be strenuous or is there something else afoot ;-)
hmm. interesting

Falstaff said...

girish: Thanks. And no, I don't think so.

chronicus: you're welcome. We aim to please

just mohit: I wish. I don't mind the quotes at all. I would blog more about Delhi, except that as soon as I get here I turn into a boring old homesbody (as opposed to my wild adventurous US avatar - MR, no jokes about squirrels please). So we'll see.

30in 2005: You wrong me. Holidays are precisely the time to read long blog posts. I just hope my Mom doesn't read it though - I'd hate for her to get any ideas. And yes, it's amazing how everyone seems to assume you know what to put in the form don't you? One person on an earlier flight actually wanted my help to figure out whether he should be declaring stuff to customs and if so how much. Such temptation

tabula rasa: Ah, yes, the joys of airline alcohol. The best thing about it, of course is that on a long enough flight there's always some place on the flight path where it's a decent hour to be drinking. Nothing like a pre-breakfast vodka to start your day with.

km: aarrghh! I suppose I should be grateful that when the beverage service came along he didn't order a screwdriver.

maverick: you're welcome

Neha said...

Thank your stars it wasn't a gujju uncleji and auntyji with the village and the village kitchen in tow! Where did you learn to write like this? Am ignoring a Germany game to read this post. This after spending the whole day at work reading your other posts (much more fun than working, obviously). Really good read. Have a good holiday and oooh Germany wins 3-0.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I like the way you write.

That was an eventful flight home. Surely worth the 6 weeks of pampering and home-cooked food. Enjoy your stay. :)

~N.

Anonymous said...

An aged Tam Brahm woman who is 'immersed in some inane Karishma Kapoor film'... sounds slightly incongruous to me.

Aishwarya said...

Marvellous! At least you weren't hit on by a creepy older person though.

Welcome home...how long are you here?

Cheshire Cat said...

Back in India for six weeks?? Laughter is dispatched in the most cruel way by envy...

Kausum said...

Hilarious !!!

It was good that you didnt have a gujju auntyji who has travelled atleast once, will teach you finer points about seat belt adjustments, dehydration on flights and no alcohol.

Anonymous said...

It funny as well as snobbish. Iam sure everybody would have acted the same way, during their first flight-trip to US or wherever.

Being educated does not mean one is superior.

Country_Fella_who_knows_how_to_Swim
-Kums

Alpha said...

Ahh...no quotes or footnotes. Mighty pleased I be. falstaff, good one. Enjoy your time in India and do carry three dabbas of curd on your flight back.

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahaha. :)
made me laugh out loud here, in the middle of the night, echo and everything. too funny. esp this bit: >Auntyji (who has clearly spent her two months in the US assidiously watching NFL) comes through with a flying tackle, stopping the fleeing steward in his tracks.

lol, and the onion reference.

have fun at home, i will come back for some more funnay

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Sublime. Especially after SIX paintings and not a single Monet or Pissarro.

Six weeks? Perhaps an evening with the Duck and the J'wock ... of course, this geriatric would love to join in.

J.A.P.

eM said...

Fabulous post! The most I've had in airplanes is just really fat people farting and snoring, but I'd rather have your experiences than mine :)

n said...

Nothing like some good inflight entertainment, eh? Long flights are a good time for that, but I get my fair share on cheap to and fro Delhi flights as well. I wish I was in Delhi too , right now. Its a beautiful time to be visiting. Enjoy ur stay
n

dazedandconfused said...

Man, I would be so afraid to sit next to you on a plane...!

Wondering what you would label me as though...

dazedandconfused said...

Man, I would be so afraid to sit next to you on a plane...!

Wondering what you would label me as though...

Anonymous said...

great stuff. however white on black background is a little hard on the eye. perhaps you could change it

Anonymous said...

Woww..amazing company:-))
God, what I wouldn't give to watch this live.

Falstaff welcome home!

Krithi.

PS: Is Hyd on your agenda?;-)

drifting leaf said...

fal...my experience on flights is limited to dealing with my claustrophobia...and i try to tackle it by putting my thoughts down on paper...that in itself is hilarious when i read it later...
:)

drifting leaf said...

oh and the apt usage of auntiji...uncleji... takes me right back to delhi...!
haanji...its so uniquely 'dilli'...!!

Anonymous said...

ROFL!!

I must say I havnt laughed this much in a loong time. I so totally identified with all this man.
Back recently from the annual Delhi trip myself and was privileged to sit beside a similar Unclejee. Hmm.. I suddenly feel the urge to write about it too lol

6 weeks. I'm envious. This time around I spent 4 weeks in Delhi and thought I was the luckiest! hehe Still though, Feb is better than June. Small consolation :)

jedi

Falstaff said...

csm: Yes, a visit to Bombay should be on the cards.

neha: Thanks.

N: thanks

Grand Panjandrum: True. Which is why I don't think she objected to the switch to Japanese much. And frankly, the rest of the video programming was so crappy even watching a Karishma Kapoor film made sense

Aishwarya: True. Though in general, I think there's very little risk of that in my case.

cat: ah, well.

supremus: Thanks. I don't know about Air India vs. Continental though. In my experience the passengers are fairly similar and with Air India the crew has a much sounder understanding of Indian food, customs, language, etc. Stuff like the curd incident would never have happened on an Air India flight. Of course, about 20% of all passengers wouldn't have got curd to begin with, but no one would have tried to convince them that curd was non-vegetarian.

kausum: Thanks

Kums: Who me, snobbish? Imagine that.

alpha: thanks

girl from ipanema: Thanks.

JAP: Said geriatric should let me know if he's in Delhi. Yes, the lack of Pissarros from my walls is very keenly felt, and will be set right the day I move into a larger apartment.

em: Thanks

n: I don't know about it being a beautiful time to be visiting. On the whole I'm happier in Winter (at least I'm happier in Winter after I've managed to put the interminable fog delays behind me). And short flights can be fun to - you get more variety that way.

d&c: *evil laugh*

anjaly: Thanks. Yes, that keeps coming up, doesn't it.

krithi: No, Hyd isn't. And watching it live would have been a little boring, given that the flight lasted some thirteen hours. It's like test matches. You want the highlights, not the live performance.

leaf: Thanks.

jedi: Thanks. And yes, feb is better.

Swapna said...

That was great.. :) .. Had a good laugh and ya, can totally relate to this stuff.

Have a great trip!

Madhat said...

well written stuff.
thanks for the nice read. makes my day in the office a little less boring. :)

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