Sunday, December 23, 2007


Slowly, as though explaining things to a small child, Gabriel repeated himself. Not quick on the uptake, this broad. Downright slow, in fact. What did He see in her anyway? She wasn't smart, wasn't particularly good looking. Pretty, yes, in a kind of washed-out, docile way, but not stunning, not a knock-out. You'd think if you were a God and were going to have sex with a women just once in all Time you could do better. Maybe He was nervous. After all, it was His first time. Yes, that must be it. It would explain the obsession with finding a virgin.

That was the problem with this new God. He was too abstract, too theoretical. With him everything was about 'spirit' and 'soul', never appetite. Not like Jove. Ah, Jove. Now there was a God who knew how to pick women. Generous and kind-hearted too. Willing to listen. A little quick-tempered with those Thunderbolts sometimes, not always fair, but well, to err is divine and all that. Plus he was always ashamed if he'd done something hot-headed, always trying to set things right afterwards. Not cold and merciless like this new one. Just look what he did to poor Lucifer.

Gabriel sighed. The truth was, he missed the old times. Oh, he'd been happy enough to get the new position. After all, he'd pretty much got as far as he was going to go in the old system. And a lifetime of playing second fiddle to that jerk Mercury didn't appeal to him. So he'd been delighted when this new God showed up and set up shop. It was a good position too. Archangel - such a lovely designation. So much better than 'messenger', even if the latter was more accurate. Plus the hours were better. And it was an up and coming faith, so there was plenty of room to grow. The uniform was a bit of a pain, though: these wings, for example, impossible to starch and heavy as a mother-fucker, so much worse than those neat little heel-attachments in the old place. And this stupid harp, as though speeding through the ether at speeds faster than light were the right time to be playing toccatas. Still, on the whole it was a definite improvement.

It's just that he missed the style of the old place. Take this Son of God business right here. In the old days, sons of gods were heroes - Hercules, Achilles, Aeneas - fierce warriors and brave adventurers all. And what does this new Guy come up with - some carpenter on a donkey. It just wasn't right.

Gabriel sighed again. At least the woman seemed to be getting it at last. She was smiling. Saying how it was a great blessing. Hah! Some blessing. God has one-night stand with you, knocks you up, then leaves you without child support. Gabriel wondered if he should tell her what it really meant to have the Son of God. How it would all turn out - the aimless wandering, the betrayal, the torture, the crucifixion. No, better not. Let her be happy for now. She'd find out soon enough.

[Okay, okay, I know this isn't really a Christmas story, but it's the best you're going to get this year. For previous Christmas stories - sort of - see here and here]


Space Bar said...

She'd find out soon enough.

Poor Gabriel. In a little while he's going to have to clasp his hands in deep piety and sing. Hosannas, no less. To a wrinkle-faced little creature that animals are gawping at.

Did he know what was in store for him when he was expending all this compassion on behalf o Mary?

Falstaff said...

SB: Ah, no need to feel sorry for Gabriel on that count. The angel's an exhibitionist and loves to sing. Actually, what he really likes is to play his horn, but they don't let him do that.

Personally, I hope when the Day of Judgment arrives it turns out that the Angel Gabriel is really old Satchmo. Now that would be an afterlife worth dying for.

frissko said...

First came the Diwali story (i still can't get your Shyam Prasad out of my head, and i can picture it as a movie with Ananth Nag playing Shyam Prasad) and now this :)...