Sunday, January 11, 2009

Thirty

Many years ago
I was sent
to spy out the land
beyond the age of thirty.

And I stayed there
and didn't go back to my senders,
so as not to be made
to tell
about this land

and made
to lie.

- Yehuda Amichai

***

30. Keats never made it this far. Nor Shelley. And Schubert, poor syphilitic Schubert, had just over a year left.

These old P.M.s are gruesome.

Why do I do this to myself? Indulge in these gentle luxuries? In this regret that is not even regret but the shadow of my disappointment for the sun I could not touch.

A ritual preposterous but necessary, like knocking on a door when you know no one will answer.

***

Beyond a point, every birthday becomes a monument to failure, a milestone marking how far I have failed to come.

My life a ladder of lines behind a door that now belongs to someone else.

***
Will you look at this? I've been officially middle-aged for all of 90 minutes and I've already I've started to whine. By the time this day is over I'll probably be complaining about my sciatica.

24 comments:

Anonymouse said...

Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday!
Time to get married? :P

Tabula Rasa said...

ha! welcome to the middle ages.

shakester said...

"In this regret that is not even regret but the shadow of my disappointment for the sun I could not touch."
bloody nice.

And come now, the big three-oh is just another excuse for us to whine, wallow in the beautiful tragedy of it all...

Happy Birthday, then.

Archana said...

Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday !

Cheshire Cat said...

If and when you do complain about your sciatica, we'd like to hear it.

Annamari said...

welcome to the 30+ world with its marriage prospects and its sciatica. (scarry!)
but than, there was also a time when people got married at 14 and had 3-4 children by 20 and though died by 20. So happy birthday!!!

blackmamba said...

how is life on the other side, gramps? :P

Anonymous said...

As Reggie of Archie and Reggie fame would say Har Har Har de Har.

Welcome to the Thirties!!! Which are the new teens, I am told, only with wrinkles and incontinence and alcohol intolerance. Though personally I rather like my thirties. Its nice to be introduced to the amazing depth of one's mediocrity. Like rediscovering yourself all over again.

Happy Birthday!!!

n!

Veena said...

Oh good, you have crossed over to this side. Welcome. May there be many more non-suicidal years.

Menaka said...

So what's the view like from the other side of the hill? Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

happy birthday falsie. may you finish your degree finally this year, get married, probably have a couple of kids, get your book finally published...

Falstaff said...

Thanks all.

Last anon: Well, I can safely promise that one of those four will happen. Maybe even two.

Supremus said...

Damn u are just 30? Your writings reflect the pen of a much older man; I thought u were 50 or something....

??! said...

I assume it's only Day Falstaff who'll be complaining about the sciatica. Night Falstaff probably still maintains he's 19 - or 64, depending on his mood.

Shruti said...

A very happy birthday!:)

Unmana said...

Happy Birthday!

Would it cheer you up if we all formed a circle and sang 'Happy Birthday to You'? :-)

varali said...

Wonder how you'll feel 3 years from now.

scout said...

NOW may I be adopted?

frissko said...

"Beyond a point, every birthday becomes a monument to failure, a milestone marking how far I have failed to come.

My life a ladder of lines behind a door that now belongs to someone else."

Ouch man!...You sound terminally ill or something...Anyways, happy bday...And welcome to 30s...

I'll leave you with a cheerful comment someone left on my 30th bday post...

"Welcome to 30. As we go over the hill, we gain speed. So don't worry about it too much. Life begins NOW."

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday. Remember: NEVER trust anyone over 30.

Equivocal said...

Only being 30 is gloomy. Somewhere around 32, everything mysteriously starts to get better and be alright. Trust me on this one.

Equivocal said...

ps-- happy birthday!