It's not that you wish to die. On the contrary, you no longer feel the need for a reason to live.
Somewhere there is a world where everything you no longer believe has proven true. What remains is both less probable and more necessary. The way a sealed window is an invitation to look down at the city, to look up at the sky.
It's not that you wish to die. It's just that above a certain height you have to consider the possibility.