World's Worst: Just the Ticket

The Ten Worst things to say to a cop when he pulls you over for speeding:

1. "I'm sure I have my license and registration somewhere. Hold this joint while I look for it, will you?" ("And no sneaking puffs on the side, I'm not done with that yet.")

2. "Let's see...that'll be two cheese burgers, a side of fries and two cokes, actually, make that one diet coke and one coke. Got that? Nifty uniform, btw" ("What's this? Oh, you just give me the bill now and I can pay it later? Cool.")

3. [In Alabama] "So are you one of those redneck cops I keep hearing so much about? You sure look like one." ("Don't you have to read me my rights BEFORE you lynch me?")

4. "You call that speeding? That's nothing. You should have seen me a while back - I was doing 120 easy." ("You should have seen the expression on that last cops face when I sideswiped him. Boy, did he look surprised!")

5. "Did you know you were doing at least 80 mph back there? I was watching you." ("I think I'm going to need to see YOUR license and registration")

6. "Look, officer, I don't have any money right now. But would you be interested in this fully loaded state of the art Uzi automatic? Hardly ever been used..." ("No? How about cannabis? You into that at all?")

7. "Okay, look. I know I was speeding, but the thing is, you see, I've got a little action coming my way, you know what I mean (nudge, nudge; wink, wink)? Only I have to get their soon, see, because her stupid traffic cop of a husband gets off duty in an hour." ("Say, her last name is Mahoney too!")

8. "Dang rearview mirrors! I could have sworn you were further away." ("It's true - you should never look back.")

9. "The thing is officer, I started from Chicago at exactly 8:00 am this morning, driving at 70 mph and my friend started from Cleveland at 9:00 driving at 50 mph and I really need to know what time we meet up, see?" ("What are my options here?")

10. "How about if I go extra slow for the next ten miles and then it will all average out?" (Yes, I am an Economics professor. How can you tell?)

Bonus worst thing: [with deep sigh] "Look. See this long white beard, this hideous red suit? Hear the jolly laugh? Observe the reindeer. Check out the North Pole license plates. Any of this starting to sound familiar? So I got a little behind schedule with all this making a list and checking it twice stuff. Give me a break." ("What do you mean you don't believe in me?")