Monday, October 03, 2005

How I plan to take over the world

It has been brought to my attention that some puny mortals still dare to question my destiny as the Eventual Overlord of the Entire World. These insolent vermin dare to make fun of me (of ME!!) claiming that I am too bookish, too much "the darling of librarians" to accomplish so prodigious a feat.

Let these wretches tremble in their pink backpacks, for the time has come to reveal my fell plan in all its dastardly magnificence. Unknown to the powers that be I have been secretly amassing an army of bespectacled librarians, sworn to be loyal to me, even unto their celestial due dates. With this great force behind me I shall go forth and glower the world into submission. Soon, the whole world shall be our library. Nuclear Weapons shall be stockpiled under the Dewey Decimal System, so only my Chosen Ones can find them. All currency will be put on reserve, lives will be stamped and checked out at will, laws will be subject to recall at any time and justice will be sent an overdue notice. People will be put back in their proper place or go missing forever. Anyone who dares to raise his voice against us will be shushed. Peace (or at any rate silence) will reign. There will be no political scandals because no one could possibly imagine doing anything remotely scandalous with a librarian. There will be no poverty or hunger because everyone will be forced to live in strict alphabetical order and no one will want to see someone who has the same first name as them starve to death. People with names starting in Z will end up in Siberia. There will be no violence because everyone will be entirely passive-aggressive, wars will consist of armies facing each other on the battlefield and shrugging their shoulders at each other. Space travel will develop because people will invest billions of dollars to build space ships to get to Mars, where the photocopying will be cheaper. Agents of the elite secret service (the MI5.OC543.KG821.2006) will torture Britney Spears to death by taking her into a sound proof reading room and reading Anna Karenina to her in a slow mournful voice. It will be a perfect world.

Bookworms of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your carrels.

20 comments:

Karthik said...

Great plan. I will selflessly volunteer to read Anna Karenina to Ms. Spears.

ozymandiaz said...

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I have had many a scandalous idea concerning the local book marm ruling the town library with a soft voice and an iron fist. Then there was Ms. Tibson in high school, she always wore those grey polyester dress suits that draped oh so carelessly over her taught frame. The front of her coat would ever so slightly open and close as she took her long silent breaths, barely revealing her wanton breasts. Hair in a bun, horn rimmed glasses framing her smoldering eyes. Was it mere coincidence that when I was around that she would have to bend over and pull up her stalkings? I think not! Sorry sir. There is nothing more scandalous than a librarian. All of that blanketed desire and unrequited passion. Take me Ms. Tibson…Take me now!
Hrmm…
Huh…
Anyway, I like the plan. Librarians in power. Kinky.

DoZ said...

Just the leader the world's been so desperately looking for.

Falstaff said...

Karthik: Okay, you get the job. Be sure to take along a copy of Dr. Zhivago - just in case she proves unusually resistant.

Oz: "with a soft voice and an iron fist" Oooohhh!!

doz: Thank you, thank you.

Heh Heh said...

Let's see who wins.. your band of librarians or my army of blond corn-fed nursery-school teachers from the mid-west. (Meditative Rose, what say?)

Veena said...

I can't get over this mental image of you as fearless leader with hoards of bespectacled librarians at your feet :)

But really, has it really come to that?

meditativerose said...

HWSNBF – Well, you don’t really have the army of blond etc. etc. – a random engineer in the mid-west does. You will sadly have to make do with bitter, cynical New Yorkers ...
Those mere technicalities apart, think the army of blondes stands a better chance – they will rush across the country crushing everything that dares cross their path if you tell them there’s a sale on at Bloomingdales.

And Veena – you sound surprised … why?

Falstaff said...

HWNSBF: Mid-west blondes? Really? I would have thought you would have exploited your connections to former satellites to the Soviet Union more - all those loose missiles just lying around - in every sense of the term.

Also, bring 'em on - even if you manage to defeat me, do I really mind being killed in hand to hand combat with corn-fed blondes?

Veena: Yes, it has really come to that.

MR: No, no, all you have to do is strategically drop small packages of designer dresses in their midst - then they'll kill each other trying to get hold of it and won't be in any shape to fight anyone else.

Heh Heh said...

sheesh! it seems my *real* plan has been laid bare in all its deviousness. Yes, the mid-western blond nursery teachers were meant to be a diversion for the likes of you while I took over the world with the help of missiles from former soviet bloc countries.
Is nothing a secret in this world any more?

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Anonymous said...

That's crazy. But don't you want the best world 4 all people so that there will be no revolts?

Chocolate Muffin said...

That's better than my plan of cow mind control. Librarians are all vicious on the inside!

THA WEIRD ONE said...

hmmm, a enemy of my plan. me rock band will destroy you with our destructive mind controlling riffs.
But maybe we can work together in our quest for universal takeover

The Master Dark said...

i have got to ell you no one will stop my rise to power and eventual domination of this world that you so eagerly plan to destroy with you automobiles and atomic labs bombs are nothing to me but a tool to put an end to the destruction of this planet and i know why would i use bombs if they will only fuel it because bombs are the only way you people of the world will listen i am the almighty and i shall smite thee and let thee who is all knowing deal with my sins and i shall smite all of you wreched humans and make this world one of beauty again

rand0m :P said...

an army librarianz? Hahaha please! You wil never beat my army 0f mutand skydivers... Mwahahahaha....