Every time a bell rings

One of the things that has always puzzled me is why angels have wings. Stuff like harps I understand - angels need harps the same way that consultants need laptops. You need something to play music on on those long boring trips, plus once you get to client site, you just flip the harp on its side and you've got a readymade abacus to figure out this whole saving souls thing. And I can see how halos could make great reading lights. But wings? I mean, okay, so angels need to be mobile and all, but why couldn't God have got them little air-scooters or something? Why put some forty pounds of feathers on their backs? It's not just they're unwieldy and inconvenient, it's also the indignity of it - imagine coming down to rescue someone with your hair all dissheveled from all this flapping you've been doing and sweat breaking out all over you. I mean, look, even the damn witches managed to figure out about broomsticks - surely the angels could have done a little better. (At this point you're probably thinking - wait, do normal laws of gravity apply to angels? My point is that if they don't it's even more stupid to give them wings, innit?)

Also, how exactly do these wings work? Do you have to go to the gym to exercise them otherwise they sag and go limp? Do they bloat if you eat too much? Are they special wing-crunchers sold on TV? Can you get silicon implants for wings? Do angels check each other's wings out ("Hey Bob! Will you look at the size of that pair she's carrying around on her!")? Do devils suffer from wing envy?

Or maybe I'm getting this all wrong and the wings are detachable and you buy and sell them just like cars. Does that mean you need to worry about mileage? If you take your wings into the shop do you have to wait for three eternities and then get charged your soul? Does this mean all used wing salesmen don't go to hell? Do middle-aged angels buy themselves flashy red sports wings and look like complete morons? Are there Japanese wings and American wings and do the American wings weigh twice as much and break down thrice as often?

Or are the wings more like clothes? Do you get designer wings - the kind with a little label tucked into the seam with some obscure name you've never heard of but must be trendy because it sounds vaguely Italian? Do angels feel about wings the way most sensible humans feel about ties, i.e. can they not wait to get off work before they tear them off? Do angel wives stop their husbands at the door and straighten their wings as a sign of affection. Do teenage angels spend hours in front of a mirror trying to learn from their myopic grandfather how to tie a wing, then give up and decide to get clip-ons? Do wings come with pockets? Every time you call your guardian angel, does he start up shame-facedly from the movie he's watching and start fumbling around in his wings for his ringing cell phone? Are there special wings for golf? For basketball?

Or maybe wings are like hair. Do angels have bad wing days? Do they sit for hours in wingdressers shops catching up on all the latest gossip about how gay Michael is and how all those rumours about the length of his sword are totally exaggerated? Can you braid wings? Or dye them? Do some angels have curly wings and others straight? Is there such a things as wing gel? Do South Indian angels insist on putting coconut oil on their wings?

My personal theory is that the only real function of wings is contraceptive. Think about it - you've got all the beautiful people wandering about with not that many clothes on - sooner or later, err, accidents are going to happen. And it's not like you can just put in free condom dispensers in the men's room, this is Heaven, for crying out loud, the place is supposed to have a certain tone. So instead, you go stick these ugly, bristly monstrosities on everyone's back so that any chance they have of making it totally dies. Think about it. To begin with, it's hard enough to fit the damn things into a bed. And say you manage that and you get your partner all hot and excited and next thing you know you've got her wings beating and she's floated off somewhere. Of course, you could technically do it in the air, wings beating to keep you aloft, but that may be just one rhythm too many to synchronise, plus what happens if at the critical moment one partner forgets about the wings. It would give a whole new dimension to the phrase fallen angel, wouldn't it?

Update: My mom writes in to accuse me of trying to forsake my Indian roots:

"Have you ever wondered how tough handling the Sudarshan chakra must have been for Krishna? Imagine him raising his hand to scratch his head......... permanent parting, dig into his nose.......... harelip! What about Ganesh trying to balance his bulk on a mouse? Durga using up a can of deodorant every day! Shiva's permanent 'bad-hair' days! Sort out our Indian mythological problems before worrying about phirangi angels!"