Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Someone to watch over me

If there is a God, he must be a couch potato.

I mean, He watches over us, right? But with six billion of us, it's not like He's paying any real attention. So obviously, He channel surfs. He sits in front of His 29 foot plasma TV, a keg of beer by His side and pretzel crumbs in His beard, and flips from person to person, hoping to catch some of the naughty bits (it is cable, after all). He'll stare at each person for a split second, decide he / she is not worth watching, and move on. He's probably got His favourites though. He probably watches Fox News. He probably watches a lot of FRIENDS re-runs. He's the kind of person who would.

Or maybe He can watch all of us at once, but He needs to take bathroom breaks. In the old days, this used to be really frustrating for Him. He'd make a quick dash to the kitchen for a fresh batch of popcorn, and He'd come back to find that He'd missed something really exciting - like a plague or a pogrom. Which is why He finally decided to invest in a VCR [1]. Now He tapes everything so He won't miss it. The only trouble is, since the world doesn't actually stop, He's always running behind on his world watching. Right now, for example, He's only got to 1996. That's why He doesn't listen to any prayers anymore - He's worried they'll ruin the suspense. The truth is He'd rather be watching baseball, but what to do - He's God, after all, He has responsibilities.

I wonder if God ever gets to person number 4,135,567,892 - the one He's been really wanting to watch - and finds that the %@#$! cable operator has replaced him / her with Sun TV?

If the soul was television programming, I suppose mine would be a commercial break.

[1] I know, I know, it should be a TiVo. But I'm betting God is old-fashioned.

15 comments:

Scarlett said...

I dunno if He gets around to watchin your channel, but I bet He reads your blog.

Cheshire Cat said...

Rather strained humor, this. Being (or trying to be) funny isn't everything - the Harvey post and the one before were both brilliant. Hope you're not going to start pandering...

Chronicus Skepticus said...

You know, that whole description sounds remarkably/worryingly like me (minus the beard, i.e.).

Even the goddamn Sun TV bit.

@ CC: Oh I don't know, I think Falstaff does funny really well. I almost always end up with my coffee coming out my nose.

But then it's quite possible that I'm just the lowest common denominator.

scout said...

oh finally something on your blog that doesn't make me feel like a moron who knows nothing about anything.

Hell, I don't know jack about classical music, but channel surfing? I'm right there!

And btw, where would reality tv figure in all this?

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

For the last three posts, a 2.25 (from a possible score of 3) for the Frivolity Factor.
In fact, may have done a 2.75 if (a) I had read either Lear or P&P in the last 10 years (b)I were not totally against the idea of babies dying. OK, take a 2.5 (flicks fingers in manner of Madman in Mulliner Story)

Keep them coming, pander like crazy, ignore Un-Cats whose Grins Disappear First.

J.A.P.

Revealed said...

A commercial break? You'd pay to get on tv? Hmm.

alpha said...

God does sound like he probably worked for INS before.

Tabula Rasa said...

mildly surprised you haven't gotten flamed by the anti-sexism brigade yet.

The Black Mamba said...

tr: just as suprised. that was my first thought too. but then, who wants to claim a couch potato - now that is not a culturally acceptable thing to do. We women expect Her to have a much more interesting life.

Oh ofcourse she is keeping tabs on all of us too, but not like the Stasi. Being a bit smarter about that - reading this one blog there and subscribing to that one rss feed here - but mostly just signing up for google alerts. ;)

Veena said...

Sort of agree with Cat. The humor does sound forced. But then again, could be just that she is watching your channel and doesn't enjoy being written about.

BM: Are you by any chance trying to claim you are God now? (couch potato, keeping tabs, google alerts are all sound very suspiciously like you)

Anonymous said...

An amusingly familiar line of thought :)

~N.

Revealed said...

I, for one find this annoying habit men have of trying to palm God off as a woman now that we all can see that He's gone and made a mess of the whole world most typical. Break it, then blame it on the females. Sigh.

Cheshire Cat said...

cs: Sure, he does funny really well, just not in the previous two posts. "The quality of humour is not strained" etc. I was wondering if that anon comment 2 posts ago had anything to do with it.

JAP: The Cat was an Un-Cat, you see. But you brought the grin back :)

neha said...

commercial break, trying to sell what?

km said...

He's definitely a Letterman kinda guy. Practical jokes, a little jaded, sarcastic and loves the occasional Drew Barrymore flash.