Thursday, March 15, 2007

There's more to handcuffs than the one your arresting officer puts on you

Inspired by this. (via: Desi Pundit) So much for fighting against the objectification of women [1]

Having understood the basics about handcuffs, felons its time we looked at the various types. For two reasons.

1. Not all of us are equally violent

2. Police officers like variety. It keeps their sadism alive.

Hinged Handcuffs


Here cops will agree...a fair arrest and a handcuff long enough to allow the prisoner flexibility to swing his hands and get violent kills the effect (as well as, potentially, several innocent bystanders). If your arresting officer has small hands or you don't know that hinged handcuff exists, felon you have the right to be properly bound up. Indispensable for mass murderers or weapons experts, a hinged handcuff deserves a place in every police officer's arsenal.

It's important to get the cuff-size right. Too loose and you might be able to get your hands free, too tight and it could cut off your blood circulation and leave you numb.

Many conventional chain handcuffs can have links removed to make the distance between the wrists shorter. Most inflexible of all - the latest solution is rigid handcuffs which have a metal bar across the cuffs. Whilst bulkier to carry, it permits several variations in cuffing and, with one hand cuffed, can be used in control and restraint techniques.

Thumbcuffs

Though not a felon myself, I can understand the anxiety attack you get at times when you look down and see our fingers swinging dangerously free even when you're wearing handcuffs. The solution is a good pair of thumbcuffs. They're designed to link the thumbs of the felon together, thus restricting the range of possible movements even further.

Double Locks

Double Locks (one of my all time faves) is a very sexy style of handcuff with a lock-spring, which, when engaged stops the cuff from tightening further. These cuffs are good typically under around the wrists of people with clever fingers because the double lock makes them harder to open. Am sure my policemen readers with their complete lack of imagination will agree.

Plasticuffs


I have said it before and I repeat. If you think you're not that dangerous or want to pretend that you're not a threat to society...please don't ruin the look by wearing a normal handcuff with metal cuffs. The most disgusting thing to look at are small delicate hands in a big rusty metal handcuff. If you're harmless, flaunt it, and flaunt it right.

The solution is a plasticuff. These are lightweight disposable plastic strips that can be carried by police officers in large quantities.

Leg Irons

For all those enthusiasts of running away and other unsporting activities...news flash! Your legs can get worn out running away from savage police dogs. This causes them to bleed (no, they don't get tougher) and the bad news is they'll never get better.

A good leg iron, however, can cut your ability to move your legs by upto 95%

What to look for? A leg iron is designed to provide both restraint and humiliation. Good quality stainless steel will keep the rusty iron from rubbing against your skin and causing you to get tetanus. As for humiliation, look for the kind that can be linked up to your handcuffs so as to leave you 'hog-tied'. This doesn't just make you ridiculous, it could also cause you to die of positional asphyxia. Most leg irons come with a specified length, so be sure to choose one that isn't too loose for you.

[1] All information in this article comes from Wikipedia. Just in case you're wondering how I know so much about handcuffs.

20 comments:

t said...

roflmao! excellent!

Szerelem said...

OMG.
The blog you linked to is entirely about bras. *Stupefied*

Brown Magic said...

yeah, thats a marketing ploy right? no one starts a blog because they feel the need educate people about bras, right? right? no one that isn't getting paid for it that is.

Mo said...

Hehehhhe.

So much so for objectification of policewomen.

Heh Heh said...

hahahaha.
for a moment there i was very *very* disturbed.. then i clicked on that link.
check out the supposed profile of the person who writes that blog.. whoever the hell is a "serious lingerie addict"!??

Neha said...

bras inpired you to write about handcuffs?

!!?!

Shirsha said...

An 'informative' blog abt bras should hardly evoke a snigger about the fight against objectification of women. Lets not mix the two, plz! It is merely humor for few, educative to few others, an inspiration(for a blog post) to you and just-another-blog for the rest.

However, what am most confused about is this _ women:bras::men:handcuffs?
Or is it like [women: bras] is a child object of [people: handcuffs], assuming you are familiar with OOP!?
Or is it the stupid map of {women: bras} to {criminals: handcuffs}, in which case where do the criminals who never wear hand cuffs get mapped to!?

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

MUST you?

J.A.P.

Preeti said...

re the footnote, no I wasn't wondering.

km said...

LOL, but JAP makes a good point :)

And as "heh heh" points out, that blogger is apparently a "lingerie addict".

Wish I could have seen the best bosoms of my generation destroyed by that madness.

Revealed said...

And my learning curve continues to rise steeply with every day I visit this blog :D.

Falstaff said...

t: Thanks

szerelem: Yes, I know. Bizarre, no?

brown magic: I certainly hope so.

mo: Ah, yes, that too

heh heh: Ya, I know. It's good to know that there are still things you find disturbing.

neha: Sure. See response to shirsha below.

shirsha: No strict parallel. Just two forms of socially inflicted restraint. Only one of which has a useful / practical function.

JAP: Why not?

preeti: ?

km: starving and hysterical maybe, but clearly not naked.

revealed: always glad to provide an educative experience

Spunky Monkey said...

Ooh.
Spunky Monkey scratches head.

Vi said...

Should have left the footnote out. ;)

Anonymous said...

People, people what's wrong with you? Lingerie addicts are perfectly respectable. Better than smoking addicts. Though I might contend that smoking lingerie addicts are the best.

Check out this blog:
http://www.knickersblog.com

n!

n!

Falstaff said...

spunky monkey: why?

vi: no, no. This is family blog, you know.

n!: Is that addicts of lingerie who also smoke, smokingly hot addicts of lingerie or addicts of smoking lingerie?

Vinod Khare said...

Bras inspired you to write about handcuffs??? You're a pervert!

Tabula Rasa said...

curious - no one's protested the objectification of suspected criminals.

Tabula Rasa said...

oh, and

i wish i was an addict
just like my dear papa!


(i *knew* there was a point of convergence :-D)

Cinamon said...

Amazing read!!!!