I spam what I am

It just occurred to me yesterday how I respond differently to different kinds of junk mail.

When those noisome advertisements for penile implants show up in my inbox I turn my nose up scornfully, thinking "Ha! Have they got the wrong man now!" [1].

When I get offers from credit card companies offering me their Super Premium Titanium Platinate card with 0% APR for the first six months (provided you don't actually buy anything) I let out a low hollow laugh, like a hyena with a good credit rating, thinking "Don't they know I have no money?! Why do they mock me this way?! Why?! Why?!!"

And yet, when I get a letter from the ACLU asking me for a donation, or a form letter from Bill Clinton in the name of the Democratic Party asking me to join the fight against Bush, I suddenly feel the glow of vindication running through my veins. Clearly these folks have done their homework. Clearly they know they're dealing with a man of principle and character. "Oh, Bill", I imagine Hillary saying, "have you sent that letter I asked you to? You know, the one for Falstaff, that man of the people, that outspoken champion of civil liberties everywhere, that staunch defender of the right to life, liberty and, especially, the pursuit of happiness. Oh, say you have, Bill. We need him on our side." "Why, I'll send it right away, dear. But you needn't worry. You know how old Falstaff has always stood for truth, justice and all that's logical. He won't let us down. Not Falstaff."

The truth is, of course, that the Democratic Party probably knows no more about my uprightness than the guys promising to help me "keep her up all night" know about my lack of it. Self-delusion, thy alias is Falstaff.

[1] It's not even, in my case, a question of whether I need enhancement or not. It's the much simpler question - who would know? [1]

[2] Scanning through my spam folder to write this post, I find that the mails I used to get for penile implants have now been replaced by offers to help increase my Internet speed. So maybe these guys do know something about my sex life after all.