Take One

"Is that your girlfriend?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I said, is that your girlfriend?"

"Oh, errr, no, no actually she's my wife."

"I see. She's very beautiful."

"Why thank you."

"You're a very lucky man."

"Yes. Yes, I suppose I am."

"You suppose?"

"I am."

"Doesn't it strike you as strange that I, a complete stranger, and a woman at that, should be complimenting you on your wife?"

"On the contrary- if you were a man I would be offended."

"Are you that insecure?"

"No. But for a man to be checking out my wife and then telling me about it would be, as you put it, strange."

"And for a woman to 'check out' your wife and tell you about it?"

"I'm grateful."

"Really. Why?"

"Oh, I don't know. For taking an interest in me, I suppose."

"You mean an interest in your wife."

"I mean an interest in us."

"Do strangers not normally take an interest in you then?"

"Not normally, no."

"How do you know? Have you ever asked them?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because if I struck up a conversation then they wouldn't be strangers anymore."

"So you just assume they aren't interested in you?"

"Yes."

"Are you that uninteresting?"

"No. At least, I don't think so. Not particularly uninteresting."

"Well then?"

"I suppose it's just that, once one is married one assumes that strangers, especially strange women, don't take an interest in one."

"Why? Does being married stop you from taking an interest in strange women?"

"It stops me from showing my interest in them."

"So you wouldn't, for example, go up to a strange woman and tell her you thought she was good looking?"

"I might. I would if she were as good looking as you."

"Are you flirting with me now?"

"Not at all. This is purely academic. Besides, you complimented my wife. I'm just returning the favor."

"Oh, so you're only complimenting me out of a sense of obligation then?"

"It isn't that. I'm perfectly sincere. It's just that..."

"Just what?"

"It's just that your having paid my wife a compliment expanded the scope of our dialog, don't you see? In a sense, it gave me permission to compliment you in return."

"You needed permission? Are you that tame?"

"No, no. I'm not expressing myself well. Let's say that my pleasure in complimenting you is heightened by a sense of symmetry."

"Very good. But I said your wife was good looking, not you. Surely symmetry would demand that you compliment me on my husband"

"Do you have a husband?"

"Does it matter?"

"It does if I'm to compliment you on him"

"Only for that?"

"Well, also, now that we're no longer strangers, I need to know if you're married so I can introduce you to my wife properly. I don't know whether to call you madame or mademoiselle."

"You don't know my name either."

"I was coming to that."

"So the reason you want to know whether I'm married is so you can introduce me properly to your wife?"

"Among other things."

"I'm not wearing a ring."

"You could have taken it off."

"I could give you a false name."

"You could."

"What if your wife never comes back?"

"From the restroom you mean?"

"Yes."

"All the more reason to know whether you're single."

"So you are flirting with me!"

"Perhaps. What if your husband never gets here?"

"He will."

"So you are married!"

"Perhaps."

"My wife will come back."

"What if when she does you're not here?"

"You mean we're not here?"

"I suppose."

"Where would we be?"

"Does it matter?"

"I suppose she'd wait and meet your husband."

"I suppose."

"Do you think they'd like each other?"

"I think so. She seemed his type."

"How convenient. I suppose then he would be a lucky man?"

"Oh, I think he is already."

"Quite. One question though - who'll pay?"

"The bill?"

"The check."

"You're American, are you?"

"No, but I went to college there."

"I see. I suppose she would."

"My wife?"

"Yes."

"Your check or my check?"

"Both. Why not?"

"It hardly seems fair."

"Is anything?"

"Besides she doesn't have her purse with her."

"Isn't that it over there?"

"Yes, precisely. I can't just leave it here and walk out."

"Why not?"

"Someone might steal it."

"So?"

"So she wouldn't be able to pay the check. She'd be embarrassed."

"So it's okay for someone to steal your wife's husband, but not her purse?"

"I believe in avoiding embarrassment."

"You're a capitalist."

"I'm a snob. But where does that leave us?"

"Let's say my husband pays the check, as you so charmingly call it"

"So you are married."

"No."

"Then how can your husband pay the check?"

"Let's say that some rich, kind man pays the check and because of his generosity I start to consider him my husband."

"Perhaps it'd be better if I paid the check."

"Is that a proposal?"

"If it were, would you accept?"

"If it were, I wouldn't."

"But since it's not?"

"Waiter!"

P.S. By rights, this should be in French, but my French isn't that good. Just imagine that the real dialog is in French and you're reading the subtitles.