Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Further Adventures of Hark! DaButt

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, on the sprawling planet of Massomedia, there lived a princess named Hark! DaButt. Hark! DaButt was the heir to the throne of the kingdom of Enditivy, as well as being an accomplished trumpet blower and a follower of the TRPsichorean muse. All the people of the kingdom loved their princess who they thought was beautiful and brave and so very clever.

Well, almost all. One small, indomitable group of galling citizens continued to hold out against Hark! DaButt's considerable charm. This rebel group, who called themselves 'globbers' and feared only the Skype falling on their heads, were always criticizing the princess, claiming she was hysterical, unprofessional and generally insensitive. These accusations hurt the princess deeply. Many a night did she spend shedding inky tears into her crocodile skin pillow. It wasn't that she thought the criticisms were valid (how could they be? She was a Princess, with Chelpark Blue blood in her veins - she could do nothing wrong), nor that she was an insecure, vengeful little minx who couldn't take criticism. It was just that she felt these criticisms were an affront to the dignity of Enditivy, and therefore had to be punished.

One day, when Her Shrillness was out playing in the garden, she spotted a globber lurking in the shrubbery. Quick as a newsflash, she had the globber captured by her guards, and brought him before the High Council. When the High Council told her that no, she couldn't have his head cut off (only her cousin, the Red Queen, could use that head line), she proceeded to whine and pout until the poor globber agreed to issue a public apology for the things he'd said about her and promised never to say anything bad about her again. This made Hark! DaButt very happy because:

a) bringing a months old comment out of total obscurity and making it a source of renewed outrage was obviously the best way to silence criticism

b) going to the trouble of hauling a globber before the High Council for some throwaway comment was a sure way of saying that the globbers were inconsequential people to whom she, Hark! DaButt, paid no attention

c) wording the apology in proper legal terms would make it obvious to every one that the globber's apology was sincerely meant; no one could possibly imagine that she had forced it out of him

d) by striking out against one globber she had effectively silenced their entire community, who would never again dare to criticize her, because the prospect of having to issue an official apology if they were caught would really, really scare them

e) using the resources of her vast kingdom to pick on one poor defenseless globber was a classy act that was sure to make people admire her all the more

(Did I mention that Hark! DaButt was a little delusional?)

In any case, the globber apologised, the princess went back to blowing her own trumpet, and the kingdom of Enditivy moved on, like a slow dinosaur with Hark! DaButt as its pea-sized brain.

The End.
Entirely Voluntary Notice (No, really!)
This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to person or persons living or dead is purely coincidental. In particular, this story has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with a certain TV channel's treatment of a certain blogger. I, Falstaff, have always admired said TV channel for the diligence with which it manages to stay just within the law and its courageous defiance of anything resembling taste. Further, I have absolutely no criticism to offer of their star reporter, a woman I have always respected for her...for her....errr...a woman I have always respected.

88 comments:

Sanjeev Sarma said...

This ROCKS
And you ROCK in pure wodehousian tradition

Cheers :)

Julia Scissor said...

Just how much their actions has been counter-productive for Barkha and NDTV...

The Comic Project said...

LoLoL This is too good. Thanks for giving this a funny touch.

Joe said...

What a fabulous fairytale.

K said...

I'm in awe of Her Royal Shrillness. Globbing is indeedy an evil manifestation of Beelzebub's turds who are out to destroy the kingdom of Enditivy. How dare you write such blasphemous whatever. Off with your head!

Trailblazer said...

Superb.

??! said...

"insecure, vengeful little minx"
Oh, you kill me Falsie. This is just what I needed first thing in the morning.

Aqua said...

LOL. This one is a masterpiece. globbers of the world - unite!

well done! hope the delusional madame dud reads this too.

Sandeep said...

Oh this is just tooo good Falstaff! You rock.

suman kumar said...

ha ha ha! I enjoyed it!

Juggernaut said...

fantastic!! :-)

It's a wonderful life! said...

ROFL! Havent heard anything quite as funny in a while..Kudos

Subhangi said...

BRILLIANT!!!

*standing ovation*

purplesque said...

LOVE this.

debo said...

truly superb. youre a great writer, besides being really annoyed, and most importantly, RIGHT!
you know, we should all say defamatory things. Lets snow them under with legal apologies:)))

brinda said...

brilliant! and i like the idea of all you globbers snowing the high priestess of shrill (her royal highness is temporal and religious leader) with legal apologies...

ScorpFromHell said...

This is absolute "OMG am ROFLMAO" stuff ;)

Tanuj Lakhina said...

Awesome post.fabulously written.I disagree with one thing though.The bloggers wouldn't get scared of the queen!

Shripriya said...

By far the best... kudos!

Anonymous said...

you're a genius...
love this

Anonymous said...

Wow.. Wonderful. You are a genius!

kumar

confused said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
confused said...

Dude, even by your high standards, this is superb.

This just rocks!

meetu said...

uhhh...how do we make sure Hark! DaButt and as many in the kingdom of Enditivy read this? Is there a signature campaign doing the rounds? We can attach it with a preemptive apology if that's how it will get there fast..

SAN said...

Awesome man! You rock.Keep going.

mustang said...

Wow....this is so awesome.....great work...

Anonymous said...

BTW: Do you know that the kingdom of Enditivy is in deep financial distress? Gossip is that they had to fire some of their servants to feed the Princess and her near and dear..

Anonymous said...

I loved it... Thats the perfect way to convey a blogger's ideas to the public.I am sure I will give you a link my blog.Good Job and Read this da butt .

??! said...

Falsie:
Careful now. You're in danger of being a well-liked, popular globber. How ever will you pick virtual fights now?

the mad momma said...

*bows down and worships Falstaff*

nivi said...

haha! good one!

I think more ppl should start blogginh about it so that they feel the heat of what they have done!

Giresh Nair said...

ROFLOL

Geminium said...

Be afraid, very afraid....for the princess' sentries have been able to decode your encrypted warcry to the fellow gobblers...keep an army of lawyers ready, if you can find any among your poor gobblers community.

Five Wise Men said...

zimbly awezum!!!

Dilip Muralidaran said...

nice one.

OrangeJammies said...

Fabulous! I'm fantasizing about pasting this on a mega-sized billboard right outside her home/office/gym/loo/bugle rental centre.

Anupa said...

Oh Help! This is just absolutely fantastic!!! :D I am so glad I came across this post. Great going. Is there any way you can forward this to the land of enditivity??! There has to be. This is just genius!

Dr Zen said...

Now even dogs will be unhappy while 'barkhing'

Mayank said...

OMG that was brilliant work of fiction!!! :)
Simply awesome. That simply brightened my day.
Thanks

Aishwarya Kumar said...

"respected for her...for her....errr...a woman I have always respected." ............. hilarious man ... good job ...

vadakkoodan said...

The best FICTION I've ever read.. :)

Anonymous said...

Can't stop smiling.. :) :)
Enjoyed it totally!

~N.

Amitabh said...

Brilliant piece. Extremely well written.
Visit my blog to see what I have written against Hark! DaButt. Except that I have been direct.

Smoke Screen said...

So Falstaff can also write popular stuff. Not just Great Literature (like Conversation # 3).

Hashir Tufail said...

A brilliant and extremely humorous piece. I wish Hark! DaButt could see this ... but she is too busy rounding up the globbers to the high council

Sue said...

You tell 'em!

La Vida Loca said...

This is too cool!!!
Love it.
#a.....*clap* *clap*

Kiran said...

Clap, Clap,Clap .. I'm giving you a standing ovation! This is an outstanding post.

I have written along very similar lines - about a reporter named Ms. Parkha Strutt from the channel EmpTyTV :-)

HP said...

Fantastic !

Roby said...

YOU RULE !!

Vijay Rayapati (vj@amnigos.com) said...

Awesome post dude..

Anshie said...

Deliciously Right On!

Vijay Rayapati (vj@amnigos.com) said...

I couldn't stop reading it again and gain..ROTFL...OMG...master piece of work....we expect more:).

Rahul said...

Really made me laugh! My best read of the day :)

AmitNarayan said...

Falstaff

The most sublime piece of magical fantasy - since Tolkein peddled his stuff in the early 20th Century, probably.

Hark, the minx, has a history of killings. Remember a carelessly switched on camera light while filming the battles up north in the Kingdom of Kar-gil... which gave the Paki-army something to shoot at and led to Indian Army men perishing?

Remember the Inmarsat phone she just had to pull out and dial ("i'm coming in to do my nails.. oops, claws... this weekend) which caught the radio of the Paki-army who again fired their pea-shooters. The only thing they did not get is... her pea-sized brain.

I take my hat (proverbially) off to you sir. May the likes of you thrive!

Falstaff said...

All: thanks. Though, of course, I have absolutely no idea what (or who) you're talking about.

??!: I'll survive. To put things in perspective, I got less hits for this post than I did in the three hours on inauguration day when a search for 'Inauguration Poem' on CNN gave 2x3x7 as the second link.

OJ: Methinks you need a whole new set of fantasies. Also please tell me that "her home/office/gym/loo/bugle rental centre" are different places. The imagination boggles.

SmokeScreen: Falstaff can write anything. Except, apparently, his dissertation.

AmitNarayan: Actually, no, I remember no such incidents and have no evidence that they ever happened. The princess is insecure and delusional, yes, but I have no reason to believe she's ever been criminally negligent.

shubho said...

The spiteful arrogance of her royal highness Hark! DaButt against a simple globber Chyetanya Kunte is truely startling.

What a Shame Your Highness!

rmathew said...

Falstaff: Very well-written. Thank you for posting this.

vibhu said...

Just Awesome !

Anonymous said...

Amazing fictious story. I would be more happy if this story becomes a tv soap and broadcasted using telemedia ....... You rock......

Mr. D said...

Three words: Out-Frikkin-Standing.

Anonymous said...

'tsal faff.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ...totally awesome

harsha said...

ROFLMAO..
This Hark! DaButt character sounds awful.. good thing this isn't a real story.. ;)

Malay said...

Oooh hahaha! I'm DYING to see Hark! DaButt's expression when she reads this one. Perhaps those wonderful green contact-lenses might be stained with a remorseful tear or two? Nah!

jamwal said...

lol. Eye waj reemaindeed oph a certain Darkha Butt. :D

Vaibhav said...

Too good

ahmedabadhiking said...

just brilliant...

rahs said...

Falstaff, Man! You are my nominee for this year's Bonel Prize for Caricature..

Anonymous said...

This is the best piece worthy of being remade into youtube based video.
Govind

san said...

I prefer to call her Barkin Mutt

Sameer said...

Ha ha ha...
Too much...

This was nice one on Burkha Dutt...

Great... :)

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

I'm not competent to comment on the style (I only THOUGHT I loved it, because of course I do not REALLY understand it) but the bulleted list at the end was beautiful. Succinct. Stiletto sharp.

J.A.P.

Nam said...

Excellent post Falsestaff! You are spot on, and I'm a new fan!

Rohini said...

this is simply outstanding..one of the best posts i've ever read! i am new fan of yours!

Saurabh Somani said...

hilarious!!!

the disclaimer was the icing on the post.

keep em coming!

Anonymous said...

god level post hai boss - aapne toh matlab le hi li.

Lovely stuff - truely awesome!!

Anonymous said...

Enditivy, Gobbler, Hark!DaButt.. man how can you come out with such gems. Tooooooooooo good!

scorpion said...

Falsestaff,

after reading this post the thing which came to my already filled up heart was i need to make space for her adventures in the near future..
DaButt sizzles.. :)

Catastrophe writes well but he misses the current scenario..
and current scenario is all about enditivy and dance of democracy.. :D

parmita borah said...

your sarcasm is simply superb. I had been a big fan of the Hark Da'butt the princess for a long time, but post the Mumbai blast tamasha, I got confused as to whose side I really am on? its a great read.

Almonds said...

havnt come across a more awesome in ages!

Joshua Karthik said...

*bows*

now THAT made for
a hell of a read!

Awesome :)

Anonymous said...

Amazing.. seems like you are also inspired by Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy :)

Anonymous said...

Hilarious.

Well done Falstaff, this is too good.

JD said...

Creativity at its best!

Anonymous said...

ha ha ! this is funny..harka! badutt..will be looking for u..

Gajendra said...

absolutely rocking post !!

serves her right !!

Anonymous said...

Stumbled on this really late, but
thank you, thank you, thank you, it made my day!!! It had me in splits right through! Her Shrillness the Trumpet Blower - such fantastic fantasy. And she sure is shedding a few of those inky tears now.Can we expect a 2G sequel?