Saturday, March 28, 2009

Book Guilt

"You again!"

"I'm afraid so."

"What is it now? More questions?"

"Just a few."

"Well, what then?"

"Where were you the night June was killed?"

"Oh, Jesus! Not that again! I told you - I was here, at home, reading the new Bolano."

"Yes, you said that. The thing is, John, we took your copy of Bolano and checked the pages for fingerprints. And you know what we found?"


"Nothing. Not a single fingerprint of yours on anything but the cover. How do you read a book without leaving fingerprints, John?"


"You've never even opened that book, have you, John? You made the whole thing up."

"No...I...maybe your lab made a mistake."

"There's no mistake, John, you lied to us."

"Oh, all right. I lied."

"So where were you?"

"I was right here, like I said, reading. I just wasn't reading the Bolano."

"What were you reading then?"


"What was that, John? I couldn't hear you."

"Breaking Dawn. It's the last book in the Twilight series."

"The Twilight series? You were reading a book meant for teenage girls?"


"You're a professor of English Literature and you were reading a book meant for teenage girls?"

"Yes. Yes, alright. A friend lent it to me. It's totally ridiculous but I got hooked. I was embarrassed to admit it, which is why I lied to you."

"I'm sorry John, but I don't believe you."

"What? Why not?"

"Because it doesn't make sense. A man like you - a Dante scholar - reading vampire chick-lit? I don't think so. I don't think you were reading at all that night. I think you were over at June's place and the two of you got into a fight and you killed her."

"You're crazy! I'm telling you I was here. Why would I lie to you?"

"You did before."

"That was different. I didn't want to admit I was reading trashy pulp."

"And enjoying it. Did the books turn you on, John? Was that why you were reading them? Did you maybe decide to do a little bloodletting of your own?"

"Are you insane? Of course not. Look, here's my copy of the book, you can have it tested, you'll find my fingerprints all over it."

"Won't help, John. Fingerprints will only prove that you've read the book, not when you read it."

"But I don't understand. How does it matter what book I was reading? My alibi's still as good. Or as bad."

"Yes, but now you've lied to us. And that makes us suspicious. Very suspicious. Which is why we're going to take you in."

"Take me in? You mean arrest me?"

"I'm afraid so."

"What for? I've done nothing wrong, I tell you. Reading a crappy book isn't a crime, is it?"

"We'll just have to see about that, won't we? Okay, cuff him and take him in. Oh, and take those books along as well. They're evidence."


Priyanka said...

Lol.. Chanced upon your blog recently and am hooked. Love you sense of the absurd!
Oh, and I recently went back to reading M&Bs, yep, after like a decade!! That qualifies me for a Sirius Black-ish mass murderer suspect ;)

Aishwarya said...

Please, please tell me you have read the Twilight books.