Saturday, September 03, 2005

World's Worst: (not quite) 50 things to leave a lover

A post by Fingeek set me thinking about the worst presents you could give an ex who was getting married. Not that I would ever give an ex of mine anything but cheap flowers, of course. But hey, it's the thought that counts:

World's Worst [1] things to give an ex-girlfriend [2] on her wedding:

1. A rare, collector's edition of The Taming of the Shrew (with a note to the groom saying: "They're only a few of these left, you know")

2. A baby boa constrictor (with a note saying: "Sure, it looks innocent now, but give it a few years and it'll coil itself around you and slowly crush the life out of you. Enjoy your marriage, btw.")

3. The complete works of Thomas Hardy (with a note saying: "For those long, tedious winter evenings. You'll need it!")

4. A lifetime subscription to Playboy (with a note saying: "For those long, tedious winter evenings. He'll need it!")

5. 42 yards of bubble wrap folded neatly together (with a note saying: "sooner or later, they all burst") [3]

6. A 6 foot by 3 foot print of the right panel of Heironymus Bosch's triptych The Last Judgement

(with a note saying: "Thinking of you")

7. The Fully illustrated Guide to Rock, Paper, Scissors for Two (with a note saying: "I was going to get you the Kamasutra, but then I thought: hey! let's be realistic")

8. A mantelpiece decoration consisting of two doves against a blue and gold background with the legend: "Two Lovebirds built this nest" (Wodehouse rocks!)

9. Ten yards of rich maroon drapes (with a note saying: "It's curtains for you!" by way of explanation)

10. A life-sized cardboard cut-out of Donald Trump (with a note saying: "Just to get you in the mood")

In the interest of fairness, though, I should say that I personally think being invited to an ex's wedding is one of the top 5 life-events: right after graduation, the first time you have sex, your first tax audit, immigration and your first car accident (I know that's five right there - but two, three and five are pretty much the same thing) [4]. I wouldn't miss it for the world. No, wait, that's an overstatement. For the world I might. How about - I wouldn't miss it for three tooth extractions and Fox News. Yes, that's about right.


[1] Not really the nastiest, of course - if you want to get really nasty you should give a can of anti-freeze with the correct ignition temperature highlighted on the side.

[2] I say ex-girlfriend, but you could easily use these for ex-boyfriends as well. Well, maybe not the Taming of the Shrew. Or Playboy. But all the others.

[3] Don't forget to insist that they 'unwrap' it then and there.

[4] I'm not including birth (which is one of those experiences that's over before you even know it happened, and is not something you really want to remember too vividly - kind of like Yanni's career as a musician) and death (which isn't strictly speaking a 'life' experience, is it?)


Itineranting said...

Very Witty! Good read for a monday morn.But the discussion on FG's blog was even better!

Falstaff said...

Rant: Thanks.