Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dis-credited

Dhoomketu asked for this one. Literally.

Guy calls you up. Knows your name. Wants to sell you a credit card. (see details in Dhoomketu's post)

Ten Ways to answer the call:


1) The come-on: "What's your name? Oooh, that's such a strong, masculine name. So, tell me, what colour underwear are you wearing?"

2) The friend-who-can't-be-fooled approach: "Arrey yaar, Dhoomketu, kyon mazaak kar raha hai re? [1] You think I don't recognise your voice. Come off it."

3) The talking-on-cellphone-while-driving approach: "Yes, yes, I'd definitely like a cre...oh shit! AAAAAAAA! *sound of squealing brakes. Cell phone switches off*

4) The Tom Cruise Approach: "Tell me, are you at all familiar with Scientology?..."

5) The manic-depressive approach: "What's the point of a credit card? What's the point of anything? My life is meaningless. I'm going to throw myself out of my 22nd floor window now. Goodbye."

6) The Capt. Haddock approach: "No! This is not Cutts the Butcher!"

7) The check-out-the-competition approach: "ABN Amro credit card? Who would want that? Let me tell you about the Citibank Credit Card that I market. You give 0% APR. We give -0.5% APR. You give flexible credit limits. We don't believe in credit limits at all..."

8) The flight-risk approach: "Sure I'll take a credit card. Could you have it delivered to the airport by tomorrow morning though? The international terminal. My flight for Botswana leaves at 8:00 in the morning. Oh, and ask whoever's coming not to use my name but to ask for Mr. Dhoomketu. I'm travelling under a false passport you see."

9) The Harry and Walter approach: "Ah, so you work for a bank do you? Good, good. So, tell me, is it a liquid bank. Do you keep a lot of cash reserves? Take an average branch. What's that? Your main branch in on Barakhamba Road? Fine, let's take that one. On an average day, what kind of cash would that branch hold? Would it be in the safe or with the cashiers? Is the bank safe? How many guards do you have posted? Are they armed? When do they come off duty?"

10) The certified pothead approach: "What did you say the credit limit was again? Let's see, that would mean...three whole weeks of dope. Wow! Yes, yes, I want the card"

Bonus: The Pankaj Mishra approach: "How can you offer me a credit card at a time like this? Don't you know that the average Indian still earns barely a dollar a day and that we haven't moved at all on the Human Development Index? Don't you realise that communal tensions are on the rise and any day now the communists are going to be voted to power? The faster you credit card companies stop believing your own myths, and offering these western temptations to consumers, the better it'll be."

[1] Translation: Dhoomketu, old chum, what are you kidding around for?

14 comments:

Just Mohit said...

you guys really oughtta take up a bank call center job, esp. if your mom has abandoned plans of making you a chef ;-)

Szerelem said...

what about the Zizou approach? - the headbutt!!

Rajagopal said...

I can't believe someone hasn't suggested the Seinfeld approach - ask for the caller's home number and promise to call him back later. Or, say yes and hang up immediately.

dazedandconfused said...

Loved the Pankaj Mishra approach...! :)

Others were...nice too :)

dhoomketu said...

What, only four references to me?? :-(

Unless I am missing something (or you know too much).

confused said...

Szerelem,

You mean a phone butt. :)

Flastaff,

For obvious reasons, the bonus was the best. :)

But seriously speakng, it was not quite as funny as your previous such posts. Perhaps the general mood all around.

The best I remember is the one about baby pictures. Priceless!

Szerelem said...

yes phonebutt...=P
headbutt can be reserved for annoying sales people who ring your doorbell wotsay?

bongopondit said...

This approach used to work for us in the US till sometime back: start speaking angrily in your native language - Bengali, Hindi, Tamil whatever. Some friends used the choicest gaali's as well.

Now-a-days you run the risk of someone speaking back to you in your mother tongue !

Falstaff said...

just mohit: No, no, the whole point of posts like this is to create barriers to doing things like joining a call center / becoming a proud parent. Now you know what you're going to get hit with.

Szerelem: I'm curious - what exactly is a phonebutt?

Rajagopal: I've actually tried both and they don't work. Well, the first doesn't work because they insist that they'll call you back. The second works as long as you don't answer the phone the next time the guy calls.

d&c: Thanks

dhoomketu: Now, now, don't want you to get more of a swollen head than you already have

confused: errr. thanks. I suspect it's not just the mood around but also the fact that the baby pictures thing came from the heart, this is a challenge that Dhoomketu set.

bongopundit: I suspect Esperanto is the way to go.

Szerelem said...

hmm...i was just going along with what confused suggested...
how about banging the phone down in one fluid, elegant motion causing the person on the other end of the reciever to reel in shock?

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