Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Are you there, God? It's Falstaff

[Poetry Request # 12]

Full of teen-angst, Shoe-fiend said. It's been a while, and I was never a particularly normal teenager (my idea of 'rage' music, for instance, was the first movement of Beethoven's Emperor Concerto), but here goes:

Hey, you upstairs! Can you hear me?
I know you're up there.
Look, we need to talk about our situation,
we really do.
So why don't you come down,
or maybe I could come up?
Hello? Are you listening to me?

Fine, if that's the way you want it.
I'll just tell you from here.
Let the neighbours listen.
Here's the deal:
I've been good to you, haven't I?
Given you what you asked for?
When you wanted the first nine month's rent
in advance, I paid, didn't I?
And when you asked for weekly payments
I agreed to that as well.
And every night you're thundering and rumbling up there
doing you only know what,
keeping me awake,
but have I ever complained?
And that time you flooded the basement
and I had to get Noah to help me move my stuff out;
I didn't ask you for damages, did I,
even though I was entitled?
Why, I've even tried to obey
these stupid bullet-point 'commandments'
you keep pasting in every room,
I really have.

But this 'no girls' thing - that's too much,
that's going too far.
I mean, who do you think you are
anyway? You're not my Father.
You're not my boss.
You're just the damn landlord!
There are other Gods around you know,
plenty of vacancies, all over the street.
Hell, if it weren't for the fact
that moving is such a pain
I would have left this shithole years ago.
Because let's face it, this place stinks.
Sure, the garden's nice,
but the rest of it -
the roof leaks, the climate control's all wonky,
nothing ever works the way it's supposed to.
Are you listening to me?

Look, say I have a girl come and visit.
What's that to you?
Say she even stays the night,
say we have sex.
What have you got against sex anyway?
It's not like you're so squeaky clean,
Mr. Father-cum-Holy Ghost.
At least when I have sex with a woman
I do it properly,
I don't slip a baby into her womb
when no one is looking
like she was some kind of secret bank account.
Who treats a woman like that, anyway?
Who treats his own son like that?
Sanctimonious bastard.

Look, this is all besides the point.
You live your life the way you want to.
It's none of my business.
I just wish you'd let me live mine.

Are you even listening to me?
But of course you are.
You're lapping this up, aren't you?
You're probably getting it all on tape.
You're probably going to sit
and listen to it all night.
Because that's how you get your kicks, isn't it,
hearing people complain?
Well, fuck this.
I'm tired of trying to reason with you
and having you sit all aloof up there
like you were judging me or something.
From now on I'm telling you.
I'm going to have whoever I want in my life,
girl, boy, whatever,
and if you don't like it, well,
you're welcome to come down here
and kick my ass.

IF you can.

You got that?

I catch you messing around with my friends again,
trying to scare them away and stuff,
and I swear I'll punch your fungus-covered face in.

And another thing,
I'm through with this forbidden fruit shit.
From now I'm eating whatever I damn well want.
Do you understand?
If you don't like it you can cancel my lease,
see if I care.

Oh, and speaking of leases,
have you noticed that the light on the porch
is out again?
It may not matter to you,
being omniscient and all,
but for the rest of us it's dark at night.
So how about you make yourself useful for once
and change a lightbulb?
Let there be light.
It's in the contract, you know.

Are you listening to me?


Yo Fatha! said...

Young man, I feel your pain!


The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...


:DLoved this:

At least when I have sex with a woman
I do it properly,
I don't slip a baby into her womb
when no one is looking

Actually, loved all of it.

ps. In my defence, the last one had lots of the same words. (are, you, there and God) Thanks for being kind and flagging this one off for me

Just Mohit said...

"I'm going to have whoever I want in my life,
girl, boy, whatever,"

Can't help it...was reminded of an old joke...

Anonymous said...

Ah..finally we all now know why God doesnt answer prayers...

perspective inc said...

Niice! Loved this one!

km said...

LOL! But doesn't teen-angst have to have the following elements:

1. at least one mention of "dark night" and "tears and rain"
2. blood-filled imagery in every third line
3. Inordinate fondness for "..." after every seventh word...

//not that I ever wrote such stuff as a teenager ;)

Kronoskraor said...

was getting pissed with the never ending poems,wanted a bit of falstaffy writing!good i checked in today..absolutely hilarious!!I know its your misery im laughin at..but its sooo funny:P

Chronicus Skepticus said...

And this without ever being an angsty teen??

You should go back in time and do it over Falstaff...think of all the posts!

Falstaff said...

God: Thank you.

Shoe-fiend: No worries. Perfectly natural mistake. glad you liked this one.

jm: Hmmm.

anonymous: Come, come, surely you're being too hard on God. He made me. What more could you ask for.

perspective inc: Thanks

km: I think you're confusing teen angst with teen poetry. From my years editing the college magazine I think the '...' and the 'tears and rain' bits were the staple of what most teenagers considered made for desperate, heart-breaking love poems.

kronoskraor: What, you mean you don't like the poems?

chronicus skepticus: I wish. I wouldn't mind going back at all. Only this time the plan would be to spend less time on poems and more time doing things that normal teenagers do. What was it Byron said? "A chymic treasure / is glittering youth, that I have spent betimes / my heart in passion and my head on rhymes". I think a little less of the latter and a little more of the former would be called for.

Kronoskraor said...

No I liked the ones you started off with..then suddenly there was a lack of prose in falstaff-world. Bit overwhelming,that much poetry. But you look like you're back!balle balle n all that:P