Most people don't realise this, but procrastination is one of the most potent and fulfilling life forces in the universe.
Take the ancient theological question about the meaning of life. "If you really believe that there is no higher purpose to life, no God, no supreme power, then why don't you just kill yourself", people are always asking me (this whole line of encouraging me to suicide is an exceptionally popular one, btw, especially among my ex-girlfriends). Oh, I give them some spiel about existential absolutism and the triumph of the creative will, but the real answer to that question is: laziness. I mean look, you're talking to someone who sits for hours in front of a TV screen watching The Weather Channel because he's too lazy to get up and find the remote - you really think this person is going to find the motivation to end his life because it's meaningless? Sure, I should kill myself, I plan to, believe me, it's on my to-do list. But, you know, what's the rush?
Thinking about it, I've realised that procrastination may well be my true calling. Unfortunately, I can't think of a single career that I could take up that would allow me to fully develop this unique talent of mine (apparently you have to be a US citizen to be head of FEMA). Not that there aren't tons of people out there who are getting paid for doing absolutely nothing - all I need to do is go see a career counsellor. I'm sure they could tell me. Yup, that's what I'm going to do. Tomorrow. Or maybe the day after. Or how about next week...
What? You claim to be a champion procrastinator too? Ha! I scoff at your amateur laziness. Here are ten things that prove that I'm the laziest person ever. Eat my dust (and given how rarely I vacuum, there's a lot of that, let me tell you):
1. I started learning how to drive when I was 15. Today, 12 years later, I still don't know how.
2. It's been six days since daylight saving time ended, but I haven't bothered to reset the time on my alarm. This means that I get woken up an hour earlier every morning, but I figure, if I just let it be, we'll eventually go back to Daylight Saving and then the problem will just go away.
3. Four months ago, convinced that I needed new clothes, I bought four new shirts (all the same colour of course, I'm too lazy to actually bother choosing what I'm going to wear every day!). Three of them are still lying in my wardrobe unopened because I haven't got around to making the stupendous effort of cutting off the sales tags and taking out the pins / cardboard pieces they came packed with.
4. If the building I'm in happens to have an automatic door, I will always take it. I have been known to walk half-way across a building, just so I won't have to use MY OWN HANDS to open the door.
5. I never untie the laces of my shoes. I simply wrestle my feet in and out of them.
6. I never eat breakfast. By the time it occurs to me that I should eat something, it's usually lunch time.
7. I need to get to know someone over the course of at least three years before I'll consider dating them. And even then, they have to ask me. (You begin to see why I have so much time to spend on this blog)
8. I own some 300 odd CDs, but I once spent an entire fortnight listening to Mark Knopfler's Sailing to Philadelphia because I couldn't be bothered to replace the CD in my system. By the time I finally switched CDs, I'd heard The Last Laugh an estimated 29 times.
9. For the last ten years, I've been trying to believe in God, if only because I think it would be fun to believe in some incoherent superior being who had no clue what he / she was talking about. So far, I'm still struggling to believe in Maureen Dowd.
10. I could come up with a tenth point, but I don't feel like it.