Sunday, February 26, 2006

Baby Pictures / Next time, use the diaper on the other end

Okay, that's it. I swear, the next time some stupid couple sends me a picture of their newly-born I'm opening it in Photo Editor, replacing the head with the image of a pool of blood and sending it back to them with a note saying "Here's a picture of your baby. Headless."

I mean, what is it with these people, anyway? If they want to be that most disgusting sub-species of all - proud parents - let them do it in the privacy of their own homes. Why should they assume that I'm going to appreciate having pictures of their little monsters foisted on me - that too before breakfast (gah!)? I don't go around sending them pictures of disgusting things that come out of my body, do I? Well then.

At any rate, here are the Top Ten Ways to respond when someone sends you pictures of their baby:

1. "Ooh! That looks yummy! Is that marinara sauce? You must send me the recipe!"

2. "Isn't she cute!! I specially love the way she screws up her eyes. That's exactly the way her mother looks just before she reaches orgasm."

3. "That's terrible! I hope you're suing the hospital for malpractise. Let me know if you want me to start a petition or something."

4. "Nice. What breed is it?"

5. "Congratulations!! I took one look at the new bookshelf in the corner of that picture, and I just totally fell in love with it. It's so GORGEOUS! Did you get it from Ikea? How long did delivery take? How much did it weigh?"

6. "ARE YOU CRAZY?! Sending out pictures of your child on the Internet like that - all unprotected and everything! Don't you know how many viruses there are floating around on the Net. What will you do if your baby catches one of them through his picture?" (Hey, they just had a baby, how smart could they be?)

7. "I loved the pictures of your baby. In fact, I loved them so much that I posted them on E-bay for you. You now need to send your baby special delivery to Mr. Elmer Fruitshanks in Boise, Idaho. On the plus side, did you know your baby was worth $ 8.99?"

8. "I don't know. It's cute, but what is it trying to SAY?? Where's the urgency, where's the PASSION?? What happened to the aesthetic rebellion that marked so much of your earlier work? Try again. This time use more blue."

9. "Interesting. Just to put this in perspective, I'm enclosing a picture of a used condom. Which do YOU think is going to be easier to get rid off?"

10. "Thanks for your pictures. They were just the thing I was looking for. By the way, if you happen to be in New York next weekend, I'm giving a talk on the topic "Why Ugly People should not be allowed to Mate". It would be great if you could attend. Feel free to bring the baby."

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35 comments:

Neela said...

reminds me of that lovely bit of poetry:

Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
I'm going to eat some worms
Big, Fat, squiggly worms
Small, thin, jiggly worms
AND THEY ALL TASTE THE SAME.
(pause)
Nobody loves me (etc).
(da capo al fine and da capo again. and again. and again..).

Substitute "see" for "eat" and "look" for taste (though I'm not particular, it works even in the original) and you've got your baby photo thing.

n!

small talk said...

That was funny and true!

Cheshire Cat said...

That was funny. But I do think it's unfair that the proud parents, having occasioned this hilarious piece, don't get to reap said hilarity. Send them a link, will ya?

Jabberwock said...

Excellent, thanks. Will use some of these the next time I get such photos.

My preferred way of dealing with this sort of thing is sending seemingly straightforward replies but repeatedly referring to the baby as "it". ("That's sweet. Does it eat? When will it walk? How does it pass the time?") I've discovered nothing annoys parents more.

Anonymous said...

Why don't you just delete these mails, you stupid bottomfeeding closet pedophile?

amit varma said...

Falstaff, you rock. Terrific stuff.

dhoomketu said...

Nasty!

How about sending them your own black-n-white baby picture back? That will teach them a lesson. :-)

theidiot said...

awesome firepower to counter the next mail bomb from the world of breeders...

Zero said...

LOL!
haven't been subjected to this "agony" directly, though! Most (in fact, all) of my friends are still bachelors.

"That's sweet. Does it eat? When will it walk? How does it pass the time?"
Jabberwock, :D.

Falstaff said...

Neela: Never thought the day would come when you would be quoting poetry to (at?) me. I'm so proud. Not quite sure how the substitution thing works, but any poem that says big, fat, squiggly worms and makes you think of babies gets my vote.

small talk: thanks

cat: thanks. Somehow, I suspect even if I did send them the link they'd still miss out on the hilarity

jabberwock: ah, yes, the 'it' strategy. I've used that too - often unintentionally. I'm not trying to rile them - it's just that I naturally think of babies as 'it'. This is especially bad if they happen to have a pet (a dog, say) which I will always call 'he' or 'she' depending on gender.

Oh, and thanks for the link from your blog.

anon: Bottom-feeding pedophile is a very, very interesting way of phrasing it. :-).

Amit: Thanks. And thanks for the kind mention - SO honoured!

dhoomketu: Hello, what are you saying? I'll have you know I was irrepressibly cute as a child (no jokes about what happened on the way please). Also you think I want these pictures being made public. What do you think is going to happen to my cool, erudite image if pictures of me a 9 month old blob with lolling head and drool coming out of the side of my mouth start getting bandied about on the Net.

theidiot: thanks

zero: Oh, most of my FRIENDS are unmarried to (pure selection ensures that), people sending these mails are more likely to be acquaintances I went to school with, or people who used to be friends of mine before they got married and haven't figured out their new status in my life yet.

ozymandiaz said...

You entirely misunderstand the meaning of sharing the baby photos. This is how it works; there are two types of conjoined peoples that are at any given time the most sickeningly annoying people that "normal" people can be around. These two groups are new parents (alternate proud parents- straight A kids and what, but the "my kid is better than yours" is really a different species) and the head over heals in love couple. Both are mired in an overwhelming since of love and bliss. This is a given. What is not widely reported or understood about such couples is the "torture" aspect of the given situation that they may be in. Not their torture but their ability to torture others with the sickly sweetness of their love and yada yada yada. Having been in both of these situations I can attest to this. Their is a drive present that makes said people make sure that everyone knows about their extreme joy which when compares to the lives of the recipients seems to validate the existence of the joy. Weird, yes, but true.

confused said...

That was funny.

Rocking stuff.

Veena said...

Did you see the Yahoo mail welcome page this morning? Not only have they taken away that woman you were so attached to, they put a baby picture in there!

Alok said...

hilarious!!!

I think there is serious post in this somewhere on something like "the role of kitsch in our lives"...those pictures are definitions of sentimental kitsch. ;)

Nero said...

How mean... How funny! ROTFL.

Falstaff said...

Oz: Ah, it all makes sense now. But wait - you're telling me not only are these people sending me these pictures, they're actually using this to feel SUPERIOR to me?!! Oh, and btw, loved head over heals in love.

Confused: thanks.

Veena: I know, I know - I just saw. And I thought that stupid pregnant woman next to the laughing buddha thing was bad. I am SO switching to gmail.

Alok: yes, but why write a serious, considered post when you can be nasty?

Nero: Thanks

Prakriti said...

This was BRILLIANT! :D

True genuine poetry there somewhere!

Heh Heh said...

mmm.. babies...
taste like chicken.
(subtle pop-culture reference)

Sony Pony said...

wait? what? what's wrong w/ babies? they are cute and stuff.

Falstaff said...

prakriti: thanks

heh heh: :-). You think we could convince people to get rid of their babies in response to the avian flu scare?

pony: They are not. That's just a myth perpetuated by Johnson and Johnson. Real babies mewl and puke.

Neela said...

ok and just for the record, I don't understand the marinara sauce reference (1). are the parents sending you photos of just-emerging from the womb infants covered in blood and assorted fluids?

n!

Nessa said...

Gosh, I laughed right from the start, all the way to the end..
I guess it made me look a wee bit sillier than I look on all other occasions..
I don't really give a damn.. This is one riot of a post :)

N said...

Hahahaha :D. Was just subjected to a friend's nephew's pictures last night at 11.20 am. Stared at them with bleary eyes, cooed unconvincingly and slunk off to bed determined not to have babies.

N said...

11.20 pm, that is.

Inkblot said...

Will send you dead baby photos and await a response.

Thats too much imagination expended on the subject but then you certainly got 'em laughing.Even me. Cheers.

RV said...

Hmm ! the issue is not babies or how ugly they are... it's more than that.. does it bother you that other people have moved on to different life stages, while you are stuck ....

shakester said...

i see RV has got srhinkish and serious on you .
Bloody mean, but funny.
So what when one of your friends actually has a kid (yes, yes- woe to them and all...), and sends you pics?

Falstaff said...

Neela: Marinara sauce is probably an exaggeration, but somehow babies in photographs always seem all scrunched up and red - like the whole thing was one big runny nose.

Nessa: Thanks

Anindita: See, that's why you should never be friends with people who have nephews. At least not ones who are old enough to breed.

Inkblot: Thanks.

rv: You know, I'd NEVER thought of that. So that's what's missing from my life - a caterwauling blob of fat that would keep me from having a normal life! I wonder if WalMart stocks these things.

The issue is not why I wrote the post or not...it's more than that...does it bother you that other people are still enjoying the good life while you have gone and got yourself stuck?

Shakester: That has actually happened a couple of times. My reaction - look away from the hideous picture, take a deep breath, recount all the reasons why i'm still friends with this person and (assuming they come upto snuff) send them an e-mail telling them how happy they must be while making mental note to never, ever, go to their house again, restricting meetings to lunches from work, etc.

Vaish said...

Hahahaha!! That was hilarious!! :)

Neela said...

falsiepie: ah well! for a while there I actually thought you had interesting friends, you know the type who send you bloodied just born babies.

n!

Anonymous said...

Yeah And what's with these stupid people who send pictures of their family or girlfriend/boyfriend or bride/groom to be in engagements or weddings/wedding announcements standing in shimmering gowns,with plastic smiles and puffed up blazers? And why do some of my proudly single friends think that I'd be interested in the places they see- Israel,Palestine,a concrete jungle in the US or an Amazonian rainforest? That's why google has an image search.Everyone finds someone, gets married or lives in sin (I so wanted to use that expression somewhere),has or has not babies, travels so what's it with everyone anyway?

And yes I do send baby pictures ( but only to those who ask and to those who think that babies are as good/bad a photographic subject as themselves.As cute or as ugly as themselves but then of course a lot less cynical)..

Tabula Rasa said...

Thanks for the ammo!

Sahir said...

you're terrible. as a PROUD PARENT myself, i'm sure i've pissed off plenty of people like you. that's it. no more photos to anyone.

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