Okay, that's it. I swear, the next time some stupid couple sends me a picture of their newly-born I'm opening it in Photo Editor, replacing the head with the image of a pool of blood and sending it back to them with a note saying "Here's a picture of your baby. Headless."
I mean, what is it with these people, anyway? If they want to be that most disgusting sub-species of all - proud parents - let them do it in the privacy of their own homes. Why should they assume that I'm going to appreciate having pictures of their little monsters foisted on me - that too before breakfast (gah!)? I don't go around sending them pictures of disgusting things that come out of my body, do I? Well then.
At any rate, here are the Top Ten Ways to respond when someone sends you pictures of their baby:
1. "Ooh! That looks yummy! Is that marinara sauce? You must send me the recipe!"
2. "Isn't she cute!! I specially love the way she screws up her eyes. That's exactly the way her mother looks just before she reaches orgasm."
3. "That's terrible! I hope you're suing the hospital for malpractise. Let me know if you want me to start a petition or something."
4. "Nice. What breed is it?"
5. "Congratulations!! I took one look at the new bookshelf in the corner of that picture, and I just totally fell in love with it. It's so GORGEOUS! Did you get it from Ikea? How long did delivery take? How much did it weigh?"
6. "ARE YOU CRAZY?! Sending out pictures of your child on the Internet like that - all unprotected and everything! Don't you know how many viruses there are floating around on the Net. What will you do if your baby catches one of them through his picture?" (Hey, they just had a baby, how smart could they be?)
7. "I loved the pictures of your baby. In fact, I loved them so much that I posted them on E-bay for you. You now need to send your baby special delivery to Mr. Elmer Fruitshanks in Boise, Idaho. On the plus side, did you know your baby was worth $ 8.99?"
8. "I don't know. It's cute, but what is it trying to SAY?? Where's the urgency, where's the PASSION?? What happened to the aesthetic rebellion that marked so much of your earlier work? Try again. This time use more blue."
9. "Interesting. Just to put this in perspective, I'm enclosing a picture of a used condom. Which do YOU think is going to be easier to get rid off?"
10. "Thanks for your pictures. They were just the thing I was looking for. By the way, if you happen to be in New York next weekend, I'm giving a talk on the topic "Why Ugly People should not be allowed to Mate". It would be great if you could attend. Feel free to bring the baby."