Wednesday, August 03, 2005

World's Worst: You're Fired

Ten Worst Things to say when you're firing someone

1. "I'm really sorry about this, but the board specifically asked that it be a virgin and you're the only one we have." ("Laid, laid off - what's the difference?")

2. "See this revolver? Well we'll just slip a single cartridge into it, shall we, and then we'll spin it around like so..." ("I'd really like you take the lead on this")

3. "It's not you. It's us." ("Can't we just stay friends?")

4. "I'm sorry, Bob. The truth is you came under a cloud so fast, we didn't get time to attach the silver lining." ("Here's a piece of lint from the inside of my pocket, if that helps.")

5. "Even as we speak, a special task force is trashing your cube, deleting your hard drive, disabling your security access, putting all your stuff in rain-soaked boxes and throwing it onto the pavement from the 34th floor. By the time you leave this room you will have ceased to officially exist. So no hard feelings, okay." ("Oh, and there's a guy waiting outside with a stomach pump. Apparently the cafetaria is worried that you may smuggle some of their food out with you.")

6. "I can't help it Aaron. We looked through the employee list for people to fire and yours was the first name that popped up." ("Why couldn't you be more like Zygfeld over there? His job is secure forever")

7. "We discussed your latest performance review with your family and they completely agree." ("In fact, they're thinking of laying you off as well.")

8. "You know how you're always complaining about how your job isn't stimulating enough? How about you figure out the best way to survive on dumpster trash and we don't pay you for it? Does that sound like an assignment or what?" ("Don't think of it as getting fired. Think of it as being professionally challenged")

9. "I can't help it. I know you helped double our profitability last year, but now our Feng-Shui expert says that having an actual person in your cubicle is blocking the positive chi flows into the office." ("My all-seeing crystal here is sensing a very negative aura around you")

10. "Look at it this way, once our equity crashes making all your stock options worthless you'll realise that you weren't getting paid enough here anyway" ("And they'll be arresting you for all those things we've pinned onto you any day now, so it's not like you're not going to need another job")

5 comments:

Heh Heh said...

dude.. you crack me up.. that's hilarious.

Bardimaeus said...

very subtle darling- am working through my birthday anyhow!
loved the 10 though- think is very punny.

Falstaff said...

HWSNBF: Thanks. Suggestions for future world's worst posts are welcome, btw - the hardest thing about writing the damn things is picking a topic. It's all down hill from there. Rather like academia actually.

Bardimaeus (were you spelling it in german or is your typing still as bad): Nice to see you finally got over your inhibitions - they're so unlike you ;-). Just out of curiosity, how many drinks did you have before you wrote this?

Bardimaeus said...

It's bard-i-maues actually , referring not to the German but to the English man ( or his sister, depending on which camp you beleive)- you do realise the bad puns are all your fault?

Falstaff said...

Ah, I see it all now. So you're pun-ishing me, are you? What are you the Avon lady?